The Road Warrior

What big-time Hollywood player and self-proclaimed warrior for Christ was recently pulled over by police in Malibu for drunk driving and, upon being stopped, became combative and let loose with a barrage of anti-Semetic remarks, including "fucking Jews" and "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" and asking the arresting deputy "Are you a Jew?"


A. Mel Gibson
B. Brad Pitt
C. Tom Cruise
D. Clint Eastwood


ANSWER
A: Yeah, it was man behind the “The Passion of the Christ,” Mr. Mel Gibson himself.

He did apologize for his arrest after he sobered up — his blood alcohol level was 50 percent above the legal limit — and said, "After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the LA County Sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health.”

Or maybe he was just testy that “The DaVinci Code” has outgrossed “The Passion of the Christ.”

Money Changers Welcome!

It seems that Jesus — yes the same Son of God who took a vow of poverty and sought spirituality over materialism — will be coming to a retail outlet near you.

Which of the following was NOT an actual product offered for sale in Denver at last month’s International Christian Retail Show, the nation’s largest collection of Christian-oriented consumer products.


A. “Virtuous Woman,” a perfume that comes packaged with a passage from Proverbs
B. “Follow the Son” flip-flop sandals, with souls imprinted to leave the words “Follow” and “Jesus” on the ground after each step
C. “Gospel Golf Balls,” inscribed with the Bible verse John 3:16
D. The “Revirginator Briefs,” underwear designed for born- again virgins (both men and women) to remind them of their vows of chastity
E. “A Life of Faith” dolls, complete with books whose stories tell how the dolls found sustenance in their faith
F. The “Christian Outdoorsman” camouflage-print Bible cover


ANSWER
D: Thus far, there are no “Revirginator Briefs” on the market, although we at Holier Than Thou intend to begin production on our own prototype shortly!

Jesus Sez

Just in case you thought that Pat Robertson was the only high-profile Christian Conservative who had unconventional conversations with the Lord, comes the following dispatch from Florida.

The Rev. O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach, Florida recently told attendees of a Christian Family Coalition prayer breakfast in Miami:

“The Lord Jesus spoke to me and He said, ‘There’s something I want you to know…’”

So, what was it that Jesus took time out of his busy schedule to tell the Rev. Dozier?

A. That Terri Shivo wanted to thank the good people of Florida for their efforts to keep her alive
B. That He would punish the “wicked” people of South Beach with a Category 4 hurricane later this year
C. That Republican Charlie Crist would be the next governor of Florida
D. That the Supreme Court would outlaw abortion in 2007



ANSWER
C: Apparently keen on Florida gubernatorial politics, Jesus has assured the good reverend that Republican Charlie Crist would win the upcoming Florida election.

We’ll check back in November and see if the Son of God was telling the truth, or just pulling Rev. O’Neal’s leg.

Holy Water

In the midst of a severe drought, the mayor and city officials of Lubbock, Texas have proposed THIS plan to ease their water woes.

A. Ask churches to stop watering their lawns
B. Have a local minister bless the city’s main reservoir
C. Ask local residents to cut back on bathing to free up water for such Christian purposes as baptisms and holy water
D. Pray and fast for rain


ANSWER
D: The Lubbock city council and county commissioners are expected to approve proposals that would ask local residents to both pray and fast for rain this Sunday.

“Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do,” said Mayor David Miller, “but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since He is the man who controls the rain clouds, we’re asking Him for His mercy and His help.”

Local officials say such prayers have worked in the past, most notably in 2004, when prayers in January led to the region’s second wettest year on record.

OTC Christ

Could God exist in pill form? Seems our government is curious about just that and funded a study conducted by Johns Hopkins researchers looking at the effects of psychedelic mushrooms on average people. Volunteers were administered a dose of psilocybin, the hallucinogenic ingredient in psychedelic mushrooms. You’ll never guess what the researchers discovered. Read on.

1). What percent of the volunteers reported that the effects of their psilocybin session met the criteria for a ‘full mystical experience’ as measured by well-established psychological scales?

A. 60%
B. 25%
C. Less than 3%


2). Most of the 36 adult participants — none of whom had taken psilocybin before — counted their experience while under the influence of the drug as:

A. Terrifying, causing volunteers to suffer flashbacks for up to a year
B. Unsettling and confusing, requiring up to three months of follow-up therapy
C. Among the most meaningful and spiritually significant experiences of their lives
D. Meaningless and a waste of time


ANSWERS
1). A: “More than 60 percent of the volunteers reported effects of their psilocybin session that met the criteria for a ‘full mystical experience’ as measured by well-established psychological scales,” said lead researcher Roland Griffiths, a professor in the departments of neuroscience, psychiatry and behavioral biology at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

2). C: What's more, most of the 36 adult participants — none of whom had taken psilocybin before — counted their experience while under the influence of the drug as “among the most meaningful and spiritually significant experiences of their lives,” Griffiths said. Most said they became better, kinder, happier people in the weeks after the psilocybin session — a fact corroborated by family and friends.

One-third rated the psilocybin experience as “the single most spiritually significant experience of his or her life,” and another 38 percent placed the experience among their “top five” most spiritually significant moments. The researchers also noted no permanent brain damage or negative long-term effects stemming from use of psilocybin.

So, is this “God in a pill”? Griffiths said answering questions of religion or spirituality far exceeded the scope of studies like these. He likened scientific attempts to seek God in the human brain to experiments where scientists watch the neurological activity of people eating ice cream.

“You could define exactly what brain areas lit up and how they interplay, but that shouldn't be used as an argument that chocolate ice cream does or doesn't exist,” Griffiths said.

Dog-Gone Nuts

Last week, James Dobson’s Colorado Springs-based ministry Focus on the Family unveiled a new website featuring a barking basset hound puppy named Sherman. During a news conference to promote the website, a Focus employee wore a dog suit to delight guests at the group’s visitors center.

1). So, why was this odd new website launched?
A. To bring attention to the dangers of loving pets more than Jesus
B. To bring attention to the horrors of cloning in all its forms
C. To combat domestic partnership laws for gay couples
D. To bring attention to the large number of stray dogs put to sleep each year

2). At the website we see Sherman, a doe-eyed basset hound puppy and then we are asked the piercing and thought-provoking question: “If dogs were born to bark, why are some people trying to convince you that they can:

A. …moo.”
B. …feel empathy.”
C. …sing opera.”
D. …go to heaven.”

ANSWERS:

1. C: To combat a domestic partnership law in Colorado that will be on the ballot this coming November.
2. A: Moo, which is Focus on the Family’s oh-so-subtle of saying that gays choose to be gay, they aren’t born that way. Their “logic” being that God would never create a homosexual. Just go to www.No-Moo-Lies.com to read Focus’ insightful view of domestic partnerships and homosexuality. It’s good for a laugh.

Dog-Gone Nuts

Last week, James Dobson’s Colorado Springs-based ministry Focus on the Family unveiled a new website featuring a barking basset hound puppy named Sherman. During a news conference to promote the website, a Focus employee wore a dog suit to delight guests at the group’s visitors center.

1). So, why was this odd new website launched?
A. To bring attention to the dangers of loving pets more than Jesus
B. To bring attention to the horrors of cloning in all its forms
C. To combat domestic partnership laws for gay couples
D. To bring attention to the large number of stray dogs put to sleep each year

2). At the website we see Sherman, a doe-eyed basset hound puppy and then we are asked the piercing and thought-provoking question: “If dogs were born to bark, why are some people trying to convince you that they can:

A. …moo.”
B. …feel empathy.”
C. …sing opera.”
D. …go to heaven.”

ANSWERS:

1. C: To combat a domestic partnership law in Colorado that will be on the ballot this coming November.
2. A: Moo, which is Focus on the Family’s oh-so-subtle of saying that gays choose to be gay, they aren’t born that way. Their “logic” being that God would never create a homosexual. Just go to www.No-Moo-Lies.com to read Focus’ insightful view of domestic partnerships and homosexuality. It’s good for a laugh.

Pregnant Cause

Here’s an example of millions of your tax dollars being squandered and the Christian Right is behind it.

1). A recently released report by Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA), found that 87 percent of federally funded “pregnancy resource centers,” commonly known as crisis pregnancy centers, provided which TWO of the following:

A. Misleading information about the physical and mental health effects of abortion
B. Grossly exaggerated the medical risks of abortion
C. A free Bible to women who called for information
D. Vouchers for diapers and infant formula


2). Waxman’s report also found that between 2001 and 2005, more than $30 million in federal dollars went to more than 50 crisis pregnancy centers. Virtually all of the funding for these “pregnancy resource centers” is funneled through the:

A. Federal abstinence-only-until-marriage program
B. Up With People Fund, which supports activities for mentally challenged and physically disabled teenagers
C. The Republican National Committee


3). According to investigators, women who wanted the facts about the effects of having an abortion were told that they would experience WHICH of the following:

A. A drastic increase (up to 80%) in developing breast cancer
B. Potentially permanent infertility
C. The risk of suicide going up 7 times in the year following the abortion
D. A downward spiral causing them to lose friends and family members
E. Eating disorders and sexual problems
F. All of the above
G. None of the above


ANSWERS
1). A & B: Yup, they lied about everything.

2). 2. A: Federal abstinence-only-until marriage program, which has been such a bang-up success so far. Just think, $30 million of your tax dollars at work to spread disinformation and propaganda.

“This report shows the clear connection between the anti- choice movement and the abstinence-only-until-marriage industry,” said William Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. “For years, the Bush Administration has claimed that it is simply trying to promote abstinence among teens, when, in fact, it has been using millions of taxpayer dollars to fund groups that hold their right-wing, anti-choice ideology,” Smith said. “Crisis pregnancy centers are using millions of taxpayer dollars to lie and mislead people who are seeking health and medical services, impeding their efforts to make informed and responsible decisions. This report underscores the Bush Administration’s pattern of utter disregard for public health evidence and the lack of any significant oversight of taxpayer dollars. That is the real ‘crisis.’”

3). F: All of the above. Clearly, the goal was to mislead women, not provide them with accurate medical data so they could make an informed decision. For example, there is a medical consensus that induced abortion does NOT cause an increased risk of breast cancer. However, investigators found that centers stated otherwise.

One center said that, “all abortion causes an increased risk of breast cancer in later years.” Another claimed that research shows a “far greater risk” of breast cancer after an abortion, telling the caller that an abortion would “affect the milk developing in her breasts” and that the risk of breast cancer increased by as much as 80 percent following an abortion.

Abortions in the first trimester, using the most common abortion procedure, do not create risks for future fertility. Again, centers provide false information. One center said that damage from abortion could lead to “many miscarriages” or to “permanent damage” so “you wouldn’t be able to carry,” telling the caller that this is “common” and happens “a lot.”

Research shows that significant psychological stress after an abortion is no more common than after birth. However centers told investigators that the psychological effects of abortion are severe, long-lasting, and common. One center said that the suicide rate in the year after an abortion “goes up by seven times.” Another center said that post-abortion stress suffered by women having abortions is “much like” that seen in soldiers returning from Vietnam and “is something that anyone who’s had an abortion is sure to suffer from.” Other centers said that abortion can cause “guilt, ... sexual problems, ... suicidal ideas, ... drug use, eating disorders,” and “a downward spiral where they lose friends and family members.”

Who Do Christians Shoot?

As Mary Carol Winkler moves closer to trial for shooting her preacher husband in the back, many of the God-fearing folk of Selmer, Tenn. are still scratching their heads over Winkler’s motive.

Sharon Everitt, a neighbor of the now-dead minister and his wife, seemed to sum up the town members dismay and confusion when she said:

“What would cause a godly woman to do such a thing? Christians don’t shoot… WHAT?

A. …innocent men”
B. …their husbands”
C. …preachers”
D. …Christians”


ANSWER:
D. “Christians don’t shoot Christians” proclaimed Ms. Everitt, once again leaving the non-Christians among us to feel a bit uneasy around members of the Christian Right, who apparently have no compunction about shooting the rest of us.

Lady Liberation

Talk about combining church and state!

World Overcomers Outreach Ministries Church in Memphis recently unveiled a new 72-foot-tall “Statue of Liberation,” a $2.5 million replica of the Statue of Liberty.

But instead of holding up a torch of freedom, the Statue of Liberation is holding up what?

A. A Bible
B. The Ten Commandments
C. A cross
D. A shotgun


ANSWER
C: A cross. (Actually, the Ten Commandments replaced the book in Lady Liberty’s hand reading: “Give us your tired, your poor and your hungry yearning to breathe free.”

Apostle Alton Williams said that now people can’t drive past his church without thinking of their relationship with God.

Values Added

With the mid-term elections just around the corner, the Republican-controlled Congress is busy trumpeting its so-called “American Values Agenda” designed to score political points by pandering to its core constituency of God-fearing Christians.

So, what was the first piece of legislation offered up under this American Values Agenda bandwagon?

A. A bill that would protect the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance from lawsuits contesting its constitutionality.
B. A bill that would protect the phrase “In God We Trust” on U.S. currency from lawsuits contesting its constitutionality.
C. A bill that would require the Ten Commandments to be posted in all federal buildings.
D. A bill that would require colleges receiving federal funding to teach courses on “Intelligent Design”.


ANSWER
A: A bill to protect the phrase “under God” in the Pledge was the top legislative priority for the Republican party — a bill which, ironically, couldn’t even pass out of a Republican-controlled House committee.

So much for American Values.

Christlike

Who knew that so many people were so like Jesus Christ?

In fact, in what we would consider a somewhat bold comparison to the Son of God, the Rev. Dr. Bill Lawson of the First United Methodist Church recently raised a few eyebrows when he compared THIS MAN to Jesus, describing him as a good man who was wrongfully convicted, but would ultimately be vindicated by history.

Who was the Rev. Lawson describing?

A. Jack Abramoff
B. “Scooter” Libby
C. Randall “Duke” Cunningham
D. Ken Lay
E. Tom Delay


ANSWER:
D. Ken Lay, former chairman of Enron, who, just like Jesus, was filthy rich and liked to lie through his teeth to financial analysts.

A Little Confession

Tom Gallagher, a GOP gubernatorial candidate in Florida, has been making a lot of noise about his strong sense of family as he seeks to lock up the Christian conservative vote in his upcoming primary.

In fact, Gallagher has repeatedly made a campaign issue out of his chief opponent’s divorce some 25 years ago.

Thus, Gallagher caught more than a few people off guard when he recently held a conference call with state media to admit to which TWO of the following.

A. An extra-marital affair
B. Using marijuana
C. Being homosexual
D. A past criminal record
E. Being an illegal alien


ANSWERS:
A and B: In short, during his first marriage, Gallagher liked to fool around with someone other than his lawfully wedded bride and smoke a lot of weed.

But in taking a page out of the Christian damage control handbook, Gallagher now claims that his faith in Jesus makes him a better man.

“Christ does change lives,” he said. “I’m a different person because of my relationship with Him.”

Ka-Ching

Regular readers of this space will recall how proud we were recently to find a priest convicted of something OTHER than molesting parishioners.

Well, we’ve found another!

It seems that the Rev. Joseph W. Hughes of Rumson, N.J., plead guilty to embezzling more than $75,000 from the coffers of the Church of the Holy Cross in this upscale parish in the Garden State. (Authorities believe he took closer to $2 million.)

So, keeping in mind the example set by Jesus Christ, just what did the Good Reverend spend his ill-found gain on?

A. Jewelry, BMWs and Caribbean vacations
B. Mutual funds
C. Gambling in Atlantic City
D. Hush money to blackmailers threatening to expose Hughes’ homosexuality


ANSWER
A: Hughes spent the money living high on the hog, buying fancy vacations, BMWs and bling! (He also, we kid you not, bought a $200,000 home for a church carpenter.)

Hughes will return the money, pay $120,000 in income taxes, and spend the next five years in state prison.

Said the convicted priest: “I betrayed the trust of the people, and I am truly and heartfeltly sorry.”

Readin,’ Writin’ and Jesus

At a time when academic standards are slipping across the country, it’s good to know that the Christian Right has put a premium on education —not the good old-fashioned readin’, writin’ and ’rithamatic, of course, but Bible education.

So, toward that end, WHICH state just passed a new law that will allow high school students to receive public school academic credit for going to off-campus Bible study classes?

A. South Carolina
B. Georgia
C. Florida
D. Utah


ANSWER
A. South Carolina. Called the South Carolina Released Time Credit Act, the law is designed to let students earn academic credit while leaving their campuses to attend church-sponsored religious training.

“Our moral values are so eroded by what’s happening in our country,” said one such Bible school coordinator. “We need something to offset it, and this is one way of doing it.”

Close Enough for Government Work

There’s a pro-Ten Commandments movement afoot within Congress these days, and Congressman Lynn Westmoreland is at the heart of it.

Westmoreland, a Republican from Georgia, recently co-sponsored a House bill that would require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in the U.S. House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate.

This Warrior for Christ believes that the Ten Commandments are the foundation for all that is good and right with America, and wants to reinforce its principals every chance he gets.

Yet, when speaking about his crusade on “The Colbert Report,” how many of the Ten Commandments could Westmoreland actually name?

A. Nine
B. Seven
C. Five
D. Three


ANSWER
D. Three.

Said Westmoreland: “Ummm. Don’t murder. Don’t lie. Don’t steal. Ummm…I can’t name them all.”

Which is perhaps why Westmoreland needs the commandments displayed in the House — so he can remember what they are for fear that he might begin worshiping false idols and coveting his neighboring Congressman’s wife.

Texas Two-Step

Deep in the heart of Texas, the Christian Right’s takeover of the state Republican Party is now complete. As proof (as if you need any) we offer the following:

1) Which of the following statements is NOT part of the Texas GOP’s party platform, as recently adopted at the party’s convention in San Antonio:

A. “America is a Christian nation”
B. “God is undeniable in our history and is vital to our freedom”
C. “Life begins at the moment of ejaculation”
D. “We pledge to…dispel the myth of the separation of church and state”


2) The Texas GOP also made the connection between Christianity and WHAT seemingly unrelated issue with this statement: “Lord, your words tell us there’s a sign that this nation is under a curse, when the alien who lives among us grows higher and higher and we grow lower and lower.”

A. Terrorism
B. Illegal immigration
C. The estate tax
D. UFO research


ANSWERS
1) C: Apparently, ejaculation is thus far not a part of the Texas GOP’s platform.

2) B: According to the Texas Republican Party, God doesn’t like illegal immigrants any more than he likes anybody else who isn’t a Texas Republican.
Party leader Tina Benkiser seemed to sum it up at the confab’s Saturday morning prayer meeting when she declared that, “(God) is the chairman of this party.”

WMDs Finally Found!

Forget about Muslim extremists. It seems that the latest WMD attack has actually taken place in Waldo, Fla., thanks to Christian fundamentalists!

The chemical weapon attack, in which a corrosive substance was pumped into a building through a series of bottles and hoses, took place at the site of a local business that has long been the target of prayer vigils and religious-backed protests.

The HAZMAT team was called out to the site, and clean-up costs are estimated at more than $30,000.

And while detectives are still trying to determine just what the caustic chemical was, they are quick to call it an act of local terrorism, noting that under Florida state law, the chemical device was by definition a weapon of mass destruction.

So, just what was the site that was attacked?

A. An abortion clinic
B. A Jewish synagogue
C. An adult bookstore
D. A movie theater showing “The DaVinci Code”


ANSWER
C: The Café Risqué Adult Supercenter, to be more precise. While the homemade weapon was rather sophisticated, the attackers were not – and failed to notice the security camera capturing their every move.

Police say they have strong leads in the case, which carries a maximum penalty of 30 years in jail.

Said a local police official, “You’re trying to hurt people. You’re trying to change their ideas or instill fear. And that’s exactly what the terrorists do. So this person is a local terrorist.”

Free Speech in Action

It’s not uncommon (although perhaps unconstitutional) to have governmental meetings opened with prayers offered up by local members of the clergy.

But this unholy union of church and state collided in an unusual way in the city of Ontario, Calif., after a presentation by John Sabbath, a local pastor who left the City Council so shaken it's now exploring ways to limit free speech at future meetings.

1) So, just what is it that the Rev. Sabbath did?

A. Prayed that God remove all blacks, Latinos and gays from their midst
B. Recounted a story of ministering to a prostitute in which he describe sexual acts in graphic detail
C. Used the “F-word” 18 times in a 22 minute presentation
D. But a hex on the City Manager, his wife, and their children



ANSWER
D. He put a hex on the City Manager Gregory Devereaux, his wife, and their children — albeit the Devereaux’s had no children to hex.

The reason for the hex? The city had denied a grant request by Rev. Sabbath for some $200,000 to help run his Liv in Christ Christian Center trailer park-based ministry.

“I have the authority of God to tell people what’s on them, and there’s a curse on him…I do have the power to set them free, but he (Devereaux) has to talk to me.”

The Blame Game

Hello dear reader, did you miss us? Sorry that we haven't posted for a few weeks, but our computer was on the fritz. But, according to our local Apple Store, it's been healed and so, we're back. Read on!

Many members of the Religious Right are quick to thank the Lord above when things go their way. But Republican John Jacob, a Mormon who is running for Congress against a five-term Republican incumbent in Utah, found an interesting source to blame for his campaign’s string of missteps.

In a recent interview with Salt Lake Tribune, Jacob recently blamed WHO for a series of business failures that have crimped his ability to fund his campaign?

A. Jesus Christ
B. Brigham Young
C. Satan
D. Bill Paxson
E. Daniel Brown


ANSWER
C. Just like the Church Lady on “Saturday Night Live,” Jacob is convinced that Satan is working against him.

“There’s another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington DC,” Jacob said. “It’s the devil is what it is.”

Jacob later added, in perhaps the only intelligent thing he has said on the matter, “Now when that gets out in the paper, I’m going to be one of the screw loose people.”