New Lesson Plan

Why was longtime Sunday school teacher Mary Lambert fired from her job at the First Baptist Church of Watertown, New York?

A. She sought ordination as a minister in the church
B. She drove a pregnant teenaged girl to an abortion clinic
C. She destroyed three surplus embryos left over from her recent (and successful) in vitro fertilization procedure
D. She’s a woman


ANSWER
D: She’s a woman.

The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who did the firing, said the church recently adopted an interpretation of the Bible that prohibits women from teaching men – despite Mary Lambert’s 54 years of previous service at the church.

LaBouf pointed to a quote in the first epistle to Timothy, which reads in part, “I don’t not permit a woman to teach of to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”

The Taliban would be proud!

Christmas in August

Sure, it may be mid-summer and the temperature is a sweltering 110 in the shade, but the first salvo in the War Against Christmas 2006 has just been fired!

Specifically, our good friends at the American Family Association have themselves in a lather over a catalogue sent out by a major retailer with the sacrilegious statement, “Plan ahead for the holidays.”

The catalogue also features “Holiday Cards,” “Holiday Ribbon” and “Holiday Gift Bags.”

In response, the American Family Association is mobilizing against this retailer because, according to the AFA website: “First advertising of the season does not mention the Reason for the Season.”

WHAT is the retailer?

A. JC Penny
B. Sam’s Club
C. Toys R Us
D. Neiman Marcus



ANSWER
1) B: Sam’s Club.

“It is very important that as many as possible send an email to Sam’s Club,” the AFA website implores. “Perhaps our efforts will encourage other companies not to ban ‘Christmas.’”

Jews for Who?

Which Jewish comic recently filed a $2-million lawsuit against Jews for Jesus for using his name and likeness on a recruiting pamphlet that implied he had converted to the Jesus cause?

A. Jerry Seinfeld
B. Jackie Mason
C. Gilbert Gottfried
D. Jerry Lewis


ANSWER
B: Jackie Mason, who took great umbrage to the fact the group handed out pamphlets with his picture next to the words: “Jackie Mason… A Jew for Jesus!?”

“While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everybody knows, I’m as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami,” Mason said in filing his suit.

A Jews for Jesus spokeswoman, meanwhile, called the pamphlet good-natured, adding (in a quite holier-than-thou matter), “shame on him for getting so upset about this.”

Separation Anxiety

1). Florida’s U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris and the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate told the Florida Baptist Witness, the weekly journal of the Florida Baptist State Convention, that separation of church and state is WHICH of the following:

A. … “a lie we have been told” and God and the nation's founding fathers did not intend the country be “a nation of secular laws.”
B. … “sadly, a necessary evil in the world we live in.”
C. … “wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers."

2). True or False: Harris went on to say in the interview:

“If you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate WHAT?

A. … human secularism.”
B. … freedom of religion.”
C. … sin.”
D. … separation of church and state.”

ANSWER
1). A and C. Separation of church and state is a lie and wrong because God chooses our rulers. Apparently God was guiding her hand when she was in charge of the Florida recount in the 2000 presidential election. We’ll be watching how God counts the votes in Harris’ own election coming up this November.
2). C: sin. Harris is concerned about gay rights and a woman’s right to choose.

This is the End

We’ve at Holier Than Thou have already established that according to recent surveys, only a paltry 40 percent of Americans believes in evolution.

1). Now, what percentage of Americans believes that the sequence of events leading to the End Times is already underway?

A. 10 percent
B. 30 percent
C. 40 percent
D. 80 percent


ANSWER
1). C: 40 percent of Americans believe that we are already on the road to the End Times.

There’s Still Something About Mary

The Virgin Mary has done it again — appearing to the faithful in the form of a food product.

In fact, religious pilgrims have spent the past week flocking to a shop in Fountain Valley, Calif., to see the 2-inch tall figure of what many are calling the Holy Mother — complete with Baby Jesus in her arms — that is made out of WHAT?

A. Chocolate drippings
B. Deep-fried Chicken feet
C. A churro (a ridged Mexican doughnut)
D. A Vienna sausage



ANSWER
A: This time, Mary chose the form of some chocolate cast-offs of high-end chocolatier Bodega Chocolates. Seems the drippings had gathered overnight under a large vat of dark chocolate and hardened in the 2-inch tall form.

Employees and others have been gathering to pray, light candles and place rose pedals in front of the chocolate blob ever since.

The Story of Lott

We’ve already established that the Lord moves in some mysterious ways, but perhaps not as mysterious as those of Clyde Lott.

1). Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and farmer, has been trying to bring about the second coming by raising a group of blemish-free, red WHAT?

A. Goats
B. Cattle
C. Horses
D. Pigs
E. Cocks


2). How many has he raised so far?

A. 100
B. 50
C. 20
D. 1



ANSWERS
1). B: Cattle. You’re going to have to bear with us on this one.

Apparently there is a reference in the Book of Numbers to the fact that a sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer will lead the way to the return of the Messiah. (Technically, the cow must be sacrificed and burned by a Jewish high priest, then its ashes used to purify the site upon which the Jews will rebuild the Holy Temple, which was destroyed by Romans in AD 70.)

2). D: Sadly, Lott has only raised one blemish-free red heifer so far.

Playthings

Where do Christian couples who are looking for the latest sex toys go? Apparently, not to hell.

Instead, they go to Book 22, an online clearing house offering up “Intimacy Products for Married Couples” inspired by the Song of Solomon (the 22nd book of the Bible), which includes the famous verse: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”

“We believe that God intended that such love, as spoken in Song of Solomon, be a beautiful and normal part of marital life,” the site offers. “Book22 is offering quality products to enhance the intimate life of God’s children. Our hope is that our products will serve as intimacy enhancers for your marriage.”

So, which of the following is NOT an actual “intimacy enhancer” offered for sale to “God’s children” by Book22?

A. Devine Storage Box “so your intimate items will be safely stored under lock and key, safe from children's view, and dust bunnies.”
B. 2Touch Bunny “all-in-one clitoral stimulator and penis ring”
C. Upon This Rock “all-nature herbal male enhancement supplement”
D. Cleopatra’s Secret “edible female response crème.”
E. The BW101 Delay Spray “male control product that is highly recommended for men who struggle with rapid ejaculation”
F. Astrea I Remote Briefs “remote control vibrating brief provide discreet hands-free stimulation”



ANSWER:
C: Thus far, Book22 does not offer any product called the “Upon This Rock all natural herbal male enhancement supplement.” But just give them time…

Priestly Duties

Mohammed Shoyaib, the Imam of a London Mosque, claims that he was tricked into giving an on-camera interview to a cable news network by a reporter/priest named Father Jonathan Morris.

According to Shoyaib, Morris identified himself as a “priest working in Rome,” and showed him an ID card listing him as a freelance reporter, but never once mentioned that he actually works for WHICH network?

A. CNN
B. MSNBC
C. Fox News
D. TBN


ANSWER
C: Fox News. Apparently Father Morris, who had served as Fox’s “Papal Contributor” in the past, told the Imam that he was “working for peace in the world, that all faiths should work together for peace, that he needs a united message of peace for the American people.”

But he neglected to mention that he worked for Fox News.

For his part, Father Morris denied any wrongdoing, and a Fox News spokesman for not available for comment.

You Say You Want an Evolution

A recent study reported in the journal “Science” compared people’s view on evolution in 32 European countries, Japan and the United States.

1). Of those 34 countries, where does the United States rank on public acceptance of evolution?

A. 1st
B. 8th
C. 22nd
D. 33rd


2) Are Americans today more likely to believe in evolution today than they were 20 years ago, or less likely?

A. More likely
B. Less likely


ANSWERS
1) D: That’s right, Americans came in next to last in their acceptance of evolution. The only country surveyed where less people believe in evolution was Turkey.

2) B: Americans are less likely to believe in evolution than there were 20 years ago, with only 40 percent of Americans accepting it today, down from 45 percent 20 years ago.

Researchers said that Americans lagging in their acceptance of evolution can be chalked up to three things: ignorance (specifically of genetics and basic biology), the politicization of science, and a literally interpretation of the Bible.

Said study co-author Jon Miller of Michigan State University, “American Protestantism is more fundamentalist than anybody except perhaps the Islamic fundamentalists, which is why Turkey and [the United States] are so close.”

God’s Rap Sheet: Phoenix

As if we needed any more proof that claiming to be a man of God doesn’t necessarily make you a godly man, here comes the following dispatch from Phoenix.

William Crotts and Thomas Grabinski, the former president and general counsel, respectively, of the Baptist Foundation of Arizona, were just convicted of WHAT?

A. The sexual abuse of three female parishioners in the 1980s
B. Failing to report income of more than $800,000 to the IRS
C. Defrauding elderly investors of more than $500 million dollars
D. Aggravated assault for beating up a gay man outside a downtown Phoenix bar known for attracting transvestites



ANSWER
C: Defrauding investors out of nearly a half-billion dollars.

Prosecutors said that the Baptist Foundation of Arizona promised its largely elderly clients high returns and a safe investment for using their money to build churches and retirement homes.

Instead, the foundation went belly up in what’s been called the largest nonprofit bankruptcy filing in the nation’s history.

Crotts and Grabinski were both convicted of fraud, and could face more than 100 years in prison. Five other defendants earlier pled guilty to fraud and other charges.

Said 77-year-old Virginia Branch, who lost some $400,000 in the scheme, “I just hope they realize they defied (God’s) word by mishandling money that people entrusted to them.”

Attorney’s for Crotts and Grabinski are already planning their appeal.

Name That Denomination!

Just in case anyone thinks we at Holier Than Thou keep picking on the Catholics just because they sexually abuse children at an alarming rate, every once in a while we feel compelled to offer up proof that other religions aren’t free of sexually-abusing clergy either.

Can you match the accused sexual abusers with their denomination and position within their church?

1). Jampa Dhondup, who pled innocent to one charge of forcible rape of a 14-year-old in New Hampshire
2). Howard Nevison, who pled guilty to abusing a three-year-old male relative in Pennsylvania
3). Sylvester Laudermill Jr., who was forced from his Los Angeles pulpit after allegations of sexual abuse with teenaged boys recently came to light (he has denied the charges)
4). James Nyhan, who pled guilty to three counts of assault and battery rather than face trial for sexually abusing two boys under the age of 14 in South Carolina

A. Roman Catholic Priest
B. African Methodist Episcopal Church Pastor
C. Jewish Cantor
D. Buddhist Monk



ANSWERS
1). D: Dhondup is a former Buddhist Monk, who claims that the sex with the 14-year-old girl, who become pregnant, was consensual
2). C: Nevison is a former Jewish Cantor from New York City
3). B: Laudermill was a minister at the AME Church in Los Angeles
4). A: And Nyhan is the only Catholic in the bunch

There’s Got to Be a Morning After?

Which anti-abortion Republican, potential presidential candidate and darling of the Christian Right was recently revealed to hold stock in Barr Laboratories, the pharmaceutical company that sells the “morning after pill” Plan B?


A. Sen. George Allen of Virginia
B. Sen. Bill First of Tennessee
C. Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts
D. Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida


ANSWER
A: George Allen, a potential Republican presidential candidate who is highly touted among evangelicals.

“It seems hypocritical to oppose a woman’s right to choose while investing in a drug that does just that,” stated a recent editorial in the newspaper the News Virginian. “Allen should dump his Barr stock.”

Out of Africa

1). The Rev. Fred Daley, 59, and a Roman Catholic priest, was scheduled to be on an AIDS mission to Africa last Sunday. He had undergone months of training and was preparing to spend more than a year in Lesotho, where one-third of the population suffers from AIDS. But on July 18, Daley was suddenly withdrawn from his mission to Lesotho by its organizers, Catholic Relief Services, because:

A. He refused to try to convert villagers to Catholicism.
B. He wanted to teach villagers basic sex education and provide condoms.
C. He was a member of a white supremacist group as a teen.
D. He is a gay.


ANSWER:
D: He is gay, but celibate. Michael Wiest, CRS chief executive officer, and Dave Piriano, a CRS vice president, said that it was not Daley's sexuality that had prompted their organization to take him off the mission. They said that what had concerned them was that Daley was a public advocate of gay rights.

“Lesotho [located deep in the southern tip of Africa] is a country of 1 million poor African peasants,” Piriano said. “There are different societal norms there.”

“Had we known earlier, we could have avoided so much controversy,” Wiest said. “It is not that he is a gay celibate priest, but that he is a well-known activist throughout the United States. … We became concerned about his celebrity in the American dialogue distracting from the mission.” Oh really? How likely is it that anyone living deep in the southern tip of Africa would have any knowledge of a well-meaning priest’s activism thousands of miles away in the United States? Not very.

Too Much of a God Thing?

Why did Leonard Scarcella, mayor of Stafford, Texas, recently say that his city is being burdened by an “excessive number of churches,” and is now looking for a moratorium on any new houses of worship moving into his Houston-area town?


A. Because church congregants have taken over city council meetings, demonstrating in favor of new city laws against abortion, sex education and homosexuals living within the city limits
B. Because, as non-profit organizations, the churches don’t generate any tax revenue for the city
C. Because the churches bring in “the wrong element,” i.e., African Americans, from neighboring towns
D. Because “You can’t find a parking space on Sunday.”


ANSWER
B: The churches, 51 packed into seven square miles of city space, don’t pay any taxes, leaving the city starved to support its police, fire department and schools.

“I don’t hate God,” said Mayor Scarcella. “We just have to protect what’s left for commercial development.”

Criminal Cohabitation

1). A judge in WHICH state recently struck down a 200-year-old law that criminalized unmarried couples from living together? (Hint: There are more than 144,000 unmarried couples living together in this state, according to the 2000 census)

A. Texas
B. North Carolina
C. Kansas
D. Georgia


2). How many other states have laws on the books that prohibit such cohabitation among unmarried adults?

A. 6
B. 3
C. 1
D. 0


ANSWERS

1). B: The North Carolina suit against the cohabitation law was brought by a female former sheriff’s dispatcher who was forced to quit her job because she wouldn’t marry her live-in boyfriend of three years.

The law stated, in part, “If any man and woman, not being married to each other, shall lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed and cohabit together, they shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor.”

The judge ruled the law to be unconstitutional, noting that the government has no business regulating private relationships between consenting adults.

2). A: Six other states have similar laws: Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota.

Move over Charlton Heston

Holy Moses, this one was just too weird to pass up.

1). What big-time Hollywood director is the executive producer of a new documentary titled “The Exodus Decoded” that claims to have uncovered fresh evidence confirming one of the most dramatic episodes in the Old Testament — the parting of the Red Sea and the Jewish exodus from Egypt?

A. Ron Howard
B. Mel Gibson
C. William Friedkin
D. James Cameron

2). The above director claims WHAT caused the parting of the Red Sea and the 10 plagues that God visited upon Egypt as punishment for enslaving the Jews?

A. A meteorite struck the Red Sea and that triggered a chain of natural catastrophes
B. A volcanic eruption on the Greek archipelago of Santorini that triggered a chain of natural catastrophes
C. God or some sort of supernatural or unknown force because the geological evidence is so shocking and bizarre
D. The parting of the Red Sea and the 10 plagues never happened based upon geological evidence and the lack of archeological evidence


ANSWERS:

1). A: James Cameron
2). B: Cameron believes a volcanic eruption on the Greek archipelago of Santorini triggered a chain of natural catastrophes recorded in the Bible as the 10 plagues that God visited upon Egypt as punishment for enslaving the Jews. The parting of the Red Sea may have been a tsunami that destroyed the pharaoh’s army as it pursued the escaping Jews. The documentary claims the episode occurred not at the Red Sea but at the smaller Sea of Reeds, a marshy area at the northern end of the Gulf of Suez. An underwater earthquake may have released poisonous gases that turned the waters red.

Hot Flashes

Every once in a while even religious zealots can wake up and smell the coffee.

1). Case in point, THIS Warrior for Christ and devout evangelical decided there might just be something to this global warming when he said the following:

“It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air…We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels…If we are contributing to the destruction of this planet, we need to do something about it.”

A. James Dobson
B. Pat Robertson
C. Jerry Falwell
D. George W. Bush

2). The above person said that he had not been a believer in global warming in the past, but THIS changed his mind and made him a convert:

A. This summer’s record-breaking heat
B. A brilliant vision he had while sitting by his swimming pool
C. A prayer session he had with a group of Christian scientists
D. His wife told him that Jesus had spoken to her in a dream about the destruction of His world




ANSWERS:
1). B: Pat Robertson, who recently made the remarks on his “700 Club” broadcast.
2). A: This summer’s God-awful heat wave.

Monk Business

Birds do it, bees do it, and apparently monks do it too, albeit in a perverted, soul-crushing way.

How many monks at Christ of the Hills Monastery in Blanco County, Texas were charged this week with sexually assaulting a teenaged boy at the monastery in the 1990s?


A. 1
B. 3
C. 5
D. 427


ANSWER
C: Five monks were charged (four have since pled not guilty) after authorities recently raided the monastery, looking for “instruments of child abuse.” The monastery is well known in Texas, drawing thousands of pilgrims each year looking to see an image of the Virgin Mary that is said to cry tears of myrrh.

Among the five charged was Jonathan Hitt, who is already serving a ten-year sentence for indecency with a minor (who was also a novice monk), and Samuel Greene, who also pled guilty to a previous indecency charge with the same novice monk.

I Don’t Think We’re in Kansas Anymore

The good people of Kansas, Ground Zero in the battle to kick evolution out of the public schools, went to the polls recently to elect a new state Board of Education.

1). How many anti-evolution, pro-Intelligent Design members of the state Board of Education lost their re-election campaigns?

A. 0
B. 1
C. 2
D. 3


2). Which group now has the majority on the board, the pro-evolutionists or the pro-IDers?

A. Pro-Evolution
B. Pro-I.D.


ANSWERS
1). C: Two anti-evolution board members lost their seat, including Connie Morris, the former teacher who had previously described evolution as “an age-old fairy tale” and “a nice bedtime story.”

2). A: The Pro-Evolution camp now has a 6-4 majority on the school board (where before they were a 4-6 minority).

Sin No More?

Think all Christians are anti-gay? Think again.

In fact, the newly elected head of THIS prominent Christian church created quite a stir recently by saying that homosexuality was not a sin, and that gays were created by God to love people of the same gender.

Which church is it?

A. Southern Baptist
B. Reformed Methodist
C. U.S. Episcopal
D. Presbyterian
E. Roman Catholic
F. Four Square


ANSWER
C: Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori, newly elected head of the U.S. Episcopal Church, made the remarks on CNN.

“I believe that God creates us with different gifts….some people come into this world with affections ordered toward other people of the same gender.”

Don’t worry, lest you fear that the Christians are growing soft, the other churches all still remain staunchly anti-gay.

Say What? The Hollywood Edition

1). What Warrior for Christ recently said the following of Hollywood?

“Movie stars not married to each other, having babies and making headlines all over the world as though they were doing some great thing. Big deal. Just another moral pervert…

“You know, you almost got to be a homosexual to be recognized in the entertainment industry any more. Ellen [Degeneres] and all the rest. I love them, pray for their souls, but they’re immoral.”

A. Jerry Falwell
B. Ralph Reed
C. Pat Robertson
D. Karl Rove


2). Which movie has grossed more worldwide?

A. “The Passion of the Christ”
B. “The Da Vinci Code”


ANSWERS

1). A: Jerry Falwell railed against Hollywood, presumably upset that the unwed Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt recently celebrated the birth of their first child.
2). B: “The Da Vinci Code” has grossed more than $642 million, compared to “The Passion’s” $623 million.