Tuesday, November 21, 2006

If God Told You To Jump Off a Bridge, Would You?

Today we offer up more proof that perhaps not everything in the Bible should be taken literally.

Case in point is the fate of Linda Long, a 48-year-old Kentucky woman who was injured during a Sunday service at her longtime church and died at a local hospital shortly thereafter.

Long was killed while practicing her religion as she had been instructed to by her God — who it seems to us has a somewhat ironic sense of humor. So, just HOW did she die?

A. She choked to death on a communion wafer
B. Hit her head on the pew in front of her while bowing in prayer
C. Drowned in an immersive Baptismal font
D. Was bitten by a snake while serpent handling
E. Had a stroke after 32 straight hours of praying for Ted Haggert to be “healed” of his “sexual deviancy”

D. The unfortunate Ms. Long was bitten by a poisonous snake while serpent handling — a practice that is illegal in Kentucky and carries with it a whopping $100 fine.

“She said she was bitten by a snake at her church,” said a local police spokesman, while neighbors noted that snake handling was a common practice at her East London Holiness Church. The practice traces its roots back to a Bible passage that claims that the sign of a true believer is one who can “take up serpents” without being harmed. Church officials could not be reached for comment.


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