Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pat Answers

Everybody’s favorite Christian broadcaster, Pat Robertson, has written a new book called “Miracles Can Be Yours Today.” According to Robertson, the book’s basic thesis is that there is an all-powerful God in heaven who wants to help people and that He will answer prayers and do miraculous things in their lives. To illustrate this, Robertson details miracles he’s experienced.

One of the more bizarre stories in his book is about a woman with asthma who Robertson met on a trip to the Holy Land. Her illness was so severe, her friends thought that she was possessed by a demon. As her condition worsened, Robertson went to her hotel room with his wife to discuss her ailment. When he prayed with the woman, he silently asked, “Lord, what’s wrong with her?”

And according to our man Pat, the Lord told him to:

A) Anoint her head and feet with oil from an olive tree near the birthplace of Jesus.
B) Yell at and threaten the woman until she cries and confesses her covenant with Satan.
C) Command her to cut her hand with a knife to let the evil flow out of her body.
D) Ask her about her sex life.

D: Apparently, the Lord and Dr. Ruth Westheimer have more in common than we ever thought. The woman admitted she and her husband had had a happy but sexless marriage for the last two years, which is when her asthma began. She felt guilty that her husband was impotent, but Pat assured her that she wasn’t at fault, prayed and voila! Her asthma miraculously disappeared. We don’t know if her husband’s situation was so easily cured.


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