Having It Down, Pat

Those who say that the Lord moves in mysterious ways obviously haven’t been paying attention to Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, who apparently has it all figured out. And thankfully, he took to the airwaves of his “The 700 Club” last week to explain it to the rest of us yet again.

1) Last week, Pat warned residents of a rural Pennsylvania town that a catastrophe may strike there soon. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city." Robertson is all fired up because the townspeople:

A) “Voted God out of your city” by ousting eight school board members who favored teaching intelligent design in an election last week.
B) Just opened a family planning clinic that performs abortions on what used to be the grounds of a Baptist church.
C) Have had a symbolic election in which they voted to withdraw American troops from Iraq immediately because the war was based on false intelligence.
D) Elected a gay man as mayor.


2) After a public outcry following Pat’s statements, this pious man of God issued a second, clarifying statement, saying he was simply trying to point out that “our spiritual actions have consequences.” He went on to say, “God is tolerant and loving, but we can’t keep sticking our finger in his eye forever…If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on:

A) …Jesus Christ, who is always ready to forgive the sinner.”
B) …George Bush, because look at how he handled hurricane Katrina.”
C) …Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them.”


Answers
1) A: All eight Dover, Pa., school board members up for re-election were defeated after trying to introduce “intelligent design” — the belief that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power — as an alternative to the theory of evolution.

2) C: Charles Darwin.