Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Lord Is My Hitman: Quiz #4

Welcome to this week’s installment of Holier Than Thou, in which Pat Robertson loses his mind, we remember all the OTHER times Pat Robertson has lost his mind, and we recall how a famous Pat Robertson supporter lost his own mind, AND (as if that’s not enough), nuns go wild in Germany, and the BTK killer shares his plans for heaven…

So, how good is your CQ this week? Let’s find out.

1) Pat Robertson might be the founder of the Christian Coalition, a past presidential candidate and perhaps the highest profile evangelical televangelist in the country, but he’s also apparently a keen geopolitical strategist. What foreign political dignitary did he recently suggest the United States assassinate?

a) United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan
b) Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
c) Syrian President Bashar Assad
d) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
e) French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin

2) But lest ye be lulled into believing that this was an isolated political faux pas, the record shows quite to the contrary. For example, a bit closer to home, which unit of the U.S. government has Pat Robertson suggested using a “small nuke” against?

a) The State Department
b) The Internal Revenue Service
c) The U.S. Supreme Court
d) The National Endowment for the Arts
e) The Bureau of Indian Affairs

3) And while we’re STILL on the subject of Pat Robertson, what Godly retribution did he NOT suggest would befall the city of Orlando, Fla., for that city’s celebration of National Gay Pride Month back in 1998?

a) A hurricane
b) A tornado
c) An earthquake
d) A blizzard
e) A meteor
f) A terrorist bomb

4) And more recently, what group of American’s did Pat Robertson recently suggest be kept from holding top positions in the federal government, including judgeships?

a) Atheists
b) Jews
c) Muslims
d) Animists
e) Gays

5) Pat Robertson’s television show, “The 700 Club,” on which he made his now-dubious assassination threat, airs on which network?

a) PAX
b) The Trinity Broadcasting Network
c) Nick at Nite
d) ABC Family
e) The Cartoon Network

6) When Pat Robertson is not using the “700 Club” to threaten to assassinate foreign dignitaries, he’s using it to hawk what self-made, for-profit consumer product?

a) Pat’s Age-Defying Shake
b) Pat’s Heaven Help Us Congressional Voting Guide
c) Pat’s Happy Slumber Funeral Home
d) Pat’s Spread-the-Lord’s Word Karaoke Machine
e) Pat’s Dead-Eye Deer Rifle

7) In the 1990s, one of Pat’s most ardent supporters found himself in a bit of trouble too. Beverly Russell, a prominent Republican and Christina Coalition activists, publicly confessed that while working on Pat’s 1988 presidential campaign, he was regularly engaged in an illegal activity. So, what did Mr. Russell confess to doing after a long day of hanging “Pat Robertson for President” signs around his hometown?

a) Snorting cocaine
b) Beating his wife
c) Committing incest with his teenaged stepdaughter
d) Burning crosses on the lawns of Jewish families

8) OK, so we’ll give away the answer to the above question now by asking you, who was the step daughter that Mr. Russell was having incest with?

a) Susan Smith, who became infamous a few years later for drowning her children by driving her car into a lake.
b) Aileen Wuornos, who became infamous a few years later for being one of the few female serial killers in the country’s history.
c) Lorena Bobbitt, who became infamous a few years later for cutting off her husband’s penis.
d) Clara Harris, who became infamous a few years later for running over her husband with her Mercedes-Benz

9) OK, enough of Pat Robertson. In other news this week, Belgian nun Johanne Vertommen was reprimanded by her mother superior for doing WHAT with a missionary during celebrations at the recent Catholic World Youth Day in Germany?

a) Drinking beer
b) Smoking cigarettes
c) Dancing
d) Having sex
e) Wearing lederhosen

10) Looking ahead to Catholic Church’s World Youth Day 2008, what has the city of Sydney, Australia, asked Mel Gibson to do as part of the festivities if the city is chosen to host the event?

a) Recreate the Last Supper
b) Recreate the Crucifixion
c) Recreate Jesus’ birth
d) Recreate the Immaculate Conception
e) Autography DVD’s of “The Passion of the Christ: Fifth Anniversary Edition.”

11) What does Pope Benedict XVI want to see more of in public buildings?

a) Bibles
b) Ten Commandment monuments
c) Crucifixes
d) His photo

12) Always a Good Christian with his eyes on heaven, BTK killer Dennis Rader, one-time president of his Lutheran Church, told investigators that he had “after-life” plans for several of his female victims. Those roles included which TWO of the following:

a) To be his mother
b) To be his wife
c) To be his mistress
d) To be his bondage servant
e) To be his Sunday School teacher
f) To be his nurse

13) Why did BTK killer Dennis Rader take his 53-year-old neighbor Marine Hedge to the Christ Lutheran Church where he had once been its president?

a) To pray with her
b) To serve her his “famous” potato salad at the church’s pot-luck
c) To give her the “last rites”
d) To kill her
e) To photograph her dead body in bondage positions

14) And finally, in perhaps the ultimate “Battle of the Gods,” researchers for Duke University Medical Center recently conducted a study into the potential power of prayer to heal the sick. Thus, they asked members of Christian, Muslim, Jewish and Buddhist congregations to pray over different groups of hospital patients, and compared the results of their healing to a group of patients who had no one praying for them. At the end of the study, the results were conclusive. So, which group healed the best?

a) Christian
b) Muslim
c) Jewish
d) Buddhist
e) No prayer
f) There was no difference between any of the groups, and no group did better than the “no prayer” control group.


1) B
2) A
3) D
4) C
5) D
6) A
7) C
8) A
9) C
10) B
11) C
12) C and D
11) E
12) F

So, how did you do?
12 to 10 correct answers: You’ve just been chosen by God to kill Chavez yourself!
9-7: Not bad – do a little dirty dancing with a nun yourself.
6-0: Better spend more time studying, and less time placing “Pat Robertson for President” posters around your hometown


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