Holier Than Thou: When the Christian Right Goes Wrong

Happy Holidays!

2006-12-18T10:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers:
We are taking some time off for Christmas, but rest assured, we'll be back in 2007 with a slew of quizzes. Unfortunately, there's so much hypocrisy and corruption out there that we can hardly keep up with it as it is. But in the meantime, we wish you and yours all the best for a happy holiday season and a great new year!

Third Time’s a Charm

2006-12-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

Can’t any of these guys keep their pants on?

First came the Rev. Ted Haggard, who had to resign from his mega-church over drug and gay sex allegations. Next came the Rev. Paul Barnes, who had to step down from his Grace Chapel near Denver over admitted homosexual liaisons.

Now comes word that Aaron Niles, a 20-year-old former church camp leader at the Super Summer Baptist Camp in Greenville, Ill., was just ensnared in his own sexual scandal. What did he do?

A. Had a child out of wedlock with his pastor’s 46 year old wife
B. Fondled three young boys on the Greenville Little League team he coached
C. Tried to get young girls to pose partially naked or perform sex acts on camera
D. Moonlighted as a transvestite prostitute in Chicago after Sunday services

ANSWER
C: Niles, whose online chat room name is “godrocks30,” was arrested on three counts of child pornography and one count of indecent solicitation of a child. At least one of his victims apparently met Niles at the church camp he worked at. Police are still combing through Niles computer, and further charges are expected.

“We hurt for the families who have been hurt by this,” said First Baptist Church pastor Jonathan Peters in a statement to his flock. “We, as the leadership of this church family, have done our best to both protect our church and to demonstrate compassion to everyone involved. We have sought to show love without leniency.”

Pray With Me

2006-12-14T06:49:00.000-08:00

The New Jersey state Senate took the unusual step of banning a pastor, the Rev. Vincent Fields, for mixing politics with religion while giving the traditional invocation that starts each Senate session. Such invocations are supposed to be apolitical.

But what really had legislators in an uproar is the fact that Fields politicized his prayer by asking God to “curse the spirit” of those who supported a piece of legislation that was currently being debated on the Senate floor. Just what was the legislation being discussed?

A. A measure that would provide state funding to stem cell research
B. A measure that would revoke the tax-exempt status of churches if their sermons were found to be in support of a specific political candidate
C. A measure that would make it a crime to post the personal information — including home address — of abortion doctors on the Internet
D. A measure that would allow gay couples in the state to have civil unions

ANSWER
D: The Senate was to discuss a bill that would grant gay couples a limited civil union status, and apparently the Rev. Fields took issue with it.

“We curse the spirit that would come to bring about same-sex marriage,” he said in his invocation. “We ask you to just look over this place today, cause them to be shaken in their very heart in uprightness."

Afterwards, Senate President Dick Codey said that Field was out of line and wouldn’t be invited back.

The Kids Aren’t All Right

2006-12-13T15:43:00.000-08:00

Seems there’s yet another reason that members of the religious right are worked up about the welfare of our kids.

James Rutz, chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries and author/columnist, is upset about something he says is threatening our young ones because it is, “feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.” He goes on to add: “There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture.” So what is this slow, feminizing poison?

A. The rise of vegetarian TV dinners
B. The steady increase of stay at home dads
C. The rise of homosexual couples adopting children
D. Cartoon superheroes who never mention Jesus Christ
E. Soybean products

ANSWER
E: Soybean products. We’ll let Rutz explain: “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.”

Well, what can we add to that, except that soy has been a staple in Asian diets for centuries and they have lower cancer rates than we have in the West, far less obesity and presumably, given their climbing birth rates, there are still a few intrepid heterosexuals left.

Double Take

2006-12-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

The hits just keep on coming!

Just days after the Rev. Ted Haggard of Colorado officially started his recovery efforts from his gay sex and drugs scandal, comes word that a second pastor from Colorado has officially left his church under tawdry circumstances.

In this case, Paul Barnes, founding pastor of the 2,100-member Grace Chapel near Denver, yesterday told his evangelical congregation in a videotaped message he had sinned and was stepping down from the church he has led for the past 28 years. So, just what did Rev. Barnes admit to?

A. Embezzling some $1.27 million from church coffers
B. Impregnating his daughter’s 18-year-old babysitter
C. Being addicted to prescription pain killers
D. Have sexual relations with men

ANSWER
D: As if taking a page out of the Ted Haggard playbook, Barnes too confessed to having gay sex while leading his anti-gay church.

"I have struggled with homosexuality since I was a 5-year-old boy,” Barnes told his church. “I can't tell you the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this away."

Added Dave Palmer, associate pastor of Grace Chapel, "While we cannot condone what he has done, we continue to support and love Paul."

Aversion Mary

2006-12-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America has said that Vice President Cheney’s gay daughter, Mary, has done something “unconscionable” and “very disappointing.”
Carrie Gordon Earll, a policy analyst for the conservative Christian ministry Focus on the Family, has made it clear that what Mary has done is just a lousy idea.
So sinful are Mary’s actions that the White House is facing mounting criticism and the possibility of yet another drop in popularity (as if that’s even possible at this point) all because Mary did THIS:

A. Joined the liberal Unitarian Church, which openly accepts gay people
B. Adopted an HIV-positive infant son with her partner of 15 years
C. Gave 10 percent of the profits from her recent book to a charitable organization that provides support for teens with gender issues
D. Became pregnant
E. Went to Massachusetts and got married to her partner

ANSWER
D: Mary Cheney and her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe, will be getting a visit from the stork sometime in late spring.
"It's very disappointing that a celebrity couple like this would deliberately bring into the world a child that will never have a father," said Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America, a senior fellow at the group's think tank. "They are encouraging people who don't have the advantages they have." Crouse also added that the news of Mary’s baby would, in conservatives' eyes, be damaging to the Bush administration.
Carrie Gordon Earll, a policy analyst for the conservative Christian ministry Focus on the Family, expressed empathy for the Cheney family but depicted the pregnancy as unwise. "Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn't mean it's a good idea," Earll said. "Love can't replace a mother and a father."
Family Pride, which advocates on behalf of gay and lesbian families, noted that last month Virginia, where Mary Cheney and her partner live, became one of 27 states with a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.
"Unless they move to a handful of less restrictive states, Heather will never be able to have a legal relationship with her child," said Family Pride executive director Jennifer Chrisler.
Chrisler went on to add that the couple "will quickly face the reality that no matter how loved their child will be. ... he or she will never have the same protections that other children born to heterosexual couples enjoy. Grandfather Cheney will no doubt face a lifetime of sleepless nights as he reflects on the irreparable harm he and his administration have done to the millions of American gay and lesbian parents and their children.”

Keroack Redux

2006-12-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

Last week, we at Holier Than Thou took a hard look at Eric Keroack, the Conservative Christian OB/GYN appointed by President George W. Bush to oversee the federal Office of Population Affairs, which oversees a $283 million budget for federally funded teen pregnancy, family planning and abstinence programs.

And at that time we noted that Keroack — the man to be in charge of family planning for the United States — opposes contraception. But the bizarreness doesn’t end there.

Now comes word that Keroack promotes the idea that THIS disrupts one’s brain chemistry, creating a physiological barrier to a happy marriage. What?

A. Birth-control pills
B. The “Plan B” morning after pill
C. Abortion
D. Pre-marital sex

ANSWER
D: Pre-marital sex, according to Keroack, changes the chemicals in one’s brain that make it impossible to be happily married later in life. The pseudo-science behind this outlandish — and universally discredited claim — is that people who have sex before marriage are in chronic emotional pain, thus lowering their levels of oxytocin, and therefore limiting their ability to bond with others.

“People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual,” writes Keroack.

That, of course, and the fact that the aliens that fly out of his butt will use their ray beams to make those who have sex out of wedlock sprout horns and tails, too!

Closeted Remarks

2006-12-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

With the 2008 Presidential race already heating up, would-be candidates for the White House are going to have to face the music when it comes to defending some of their past comments and positions.

1). Case in point, THIS outspoken White House hopeful said he was more pro-gay than Ted Kennedy back in the ’90s and during a campaign in 2002 distributed pink fliers at a Gay Pride parade wishing everyone a great Pride weekend. He even backed domestic partner benefits for public employees, winning the endorsement of the national Log Cabin Republicans. So who is this zealot for gay rights?

A. Mitt Romney, outgoing Governor of Massachusetts
B. Sen. George Allen, Virginia
C. Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida
D. Sen. John McCain, Arizona

ANSWER

A: Mitt Romney. The governor has apparently has had a big change of heart since being pro-gay is not too popular with his conservative Christian base (funny, since he’s Mormon). As recent as last month he said, “I believe gay marriage should not be legal.” Yet when he ran against Ted Kennedy for the Senate in 1994, Romney wrote a letter to the Massachusetts Log Cabin Club, pledging that as "we seek to establish full equality for American gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent." During that same campaign, Romney was accused of once describing gay people as "perverse."

As governor, he appointed openly gay and lesbian people to high-profile administration positions. He doubled the budget line item for the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth, until he tried to disband it last May.

“God’s Foreign Policy”

2006-12-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

OK, this is the kind of stuff that even freaks us out.

The Rev. John Hagee of San Antonio is a mega-church pastor who is well connected with the Bush administration, speaking at the While House this summer on his favorite topic — foreign policy.

In fact, Mr. Hagee has often been flanked by Republican Senators and officials as he speaks passionately about what he calls “a battle between good and evil,” noting that THIS is “God’s foreign policy.”

Just what is he talking about?

A. The U.S. war in Iraq
B. The U.N.’s anti-AIDS initiative in Africa
C. The drive to eliminate Third World debt
D. Support for Israel

ANSWER
D: Support for Israel of course!

What the Rev. Hagee has in mind is the Evangelical belief that by protecting Israel, the United States is speeding up the Second Coming, by which Jesus saves the world — but probably kills all the Israeli Jews who don’t convert at the last minute (then again, we’re used to collateral damage around here, aren’t we?).

Thus, while Israel was bombing the hell out of Lebanon this summer, Mr. Hagee went to lobby the White House to press for letting the bombing last just a little longer.

Now Mr. Hagee is turning his attention to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, drawing parallels between him and the biblical pharaoh of Egypt. “Pharaoh threatened Israel and he ended up fish food,” Mr. Hagee said. One has to wonder what similar Bible prophecy Bush has in mind for Ahmadinejad during his final two years of office.

What, Me Worry?

2006-12-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

Thank God for God! Otherwise, our elected leaders might actually have to tackle issues, solve problems, and in general, lead!

But, according to Republican senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, despite a growing body of evidence to the contrary, one of our biggest problems as a nation really is no problem at all because, quite simply, “God’s still up there” to protect us.

So, just what issue can we all collectively ignore because God is on the case instead?

A. The War in Iraq
B. The search for Osama Bin Laden
C. The battle against AIDS
D. Global warming
E. Irregularities in electronic voting machines

ANSWER
D. Global warming need not be taken up as an issue for the Congress, Inhofe said, because after all, “God’s still up there.” What makes this statement even more disturbing is the fact that Inhofe is Chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works — in other words, the top man in the Senate regarding environmental issues like global warming.

Thankfully, Inhofe won’t be in charge of the committee much longer. He will be replaced by new Democratic leadership after the first of the year. Perhaps God is still up there after all.

Holiday Jeer

2006-12-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

We wouldn’t have believed this one if we hadn’t read it with our own eyes. Who would have thought decorating for the holidays would be so controversial. Read on.

Last week Lisa Jensen and Bill Trimarco, a couple living in Pagosa Springs, CO, were recently threatened with fines of $25 a day by their homeowners’ association and told that their take on holiday decorating was divisive and perhaps satanic. The couple had chosen to express their yuletide spirit by doing WHAT?

A. Hanging an elaborate light display in front of their home that flashed in red and green, “Love Thy Neighbor.”
B. Displaying a four-foot Christmas wreath in the shape of a peace symbol in front of their house.
C. Decorating a pine tree in front of their house and putting the Jewish Star of David on top of the tree rather than a traditional five-point star.
D. Refusing to keep with neighborhood tradition by not putting up Christmas lights or decorations and instead displaying a rainbow flag by their front entry.

ANSWER
B: Displaying a wreath in the shape of a peace symbol. In its original letter, the homeowners’ association said some neighbors had found the peace symbol politically “divisive.” And a board member told a newspaper that he thought the familiar circle with angled lines was also, perhaps, a sign of the devil.
The fines have been dropped and the three-member board of the association has resigned, according to an e-mail message sent to residents on Monday.
Mr. Trimarco said he put up the wreath as a general symbol of peace on earth, not as a commentary on the Iraq war or another political statement.
In any case, there are now more peace symbols in Pagosa Springs, a town of 1,700 people, than probably ever in its history.
Last Tuesday morning 20 people marched through the town carrying peace signs and then stomped a giant peace sign in the snow roughly 300 feet across on a soccer field, where it could be easily seen. Merry Christmas!

It’s Their Party

2006-11-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

This doesn’t happen too often, but we commend famed pastor and best-selling author Rick Warren for hosting the second annual Global Summit on AIDS beginning today at his Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif.

1). But, no matter how much merit this important conference has, that hasn’t stopped some evangelicals from getting up in a lather and causing a stir. Seems that there are nearly 60 speakers scheduled to give addresses at the AIDS summit but conservative evangelical Rob Schenck, president of the National Clergy Council, has e-mailed reporters to protest the visit of THIS speaker who Warren invited and who Warren is defending. Who is this speaker who has raised the ire of so many God-loving Christians?

A. Sen. Barack Obama
B. Sen. Hillary Clinton
C. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
D. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani

2). And why is this person’s participation in the Global Summit on AIDS being black-balled by the Christian right?

A. This person supports a woman’s right to choose.
B. This person was not born in America.
C. This person has a gay campaign manager.
D. This person has attended several mosque services since the 9/11 attacks.

ANSWERS

1). A: Barack Obama, who by the way, is a Christian.
2). A: Schenck is protesting the visit because of Obama's support of abortion rights. "Senator Obama's policies represent the antithesis of biblical ethics and morality, not to mention supreme American values," Schenck wrote in an e-mail to reporters.
The Saddleback Church responded with a statement acknowledging "strong opposition" to Obama's participation. The church said participants were invited because of their knowledge of HIV/AIDS and that Warren, author of "The Purpose Driven Life," opposes Obama's position on abortion and other issues. "Our goal has been to put people together who normally won't even speak to each other," the Saddleback statement read. "We do not expect all participants in the summit discussion to agree with all of our evangelical beliefs. However, the HIV/AIDS pandemic cannot be fought by evangelicals alone. It will take the cooperation of all — government, business, NGOs and the church."

Immigration Reform?

2006-11-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

Granted, we at Holier Than Thou don’t expect a lot out of a state that tried to criminalize doctors who perform stem cell research and tried to force public school teachers to teach intelligent design. But even we were a bit shocked at how far Christian Conservative legislators in Missouri are willing to stretch to impose their Evangelical beliefs onto public policy.

Case in point? The House Special Committee on Immigration Reform, a Republican-lead panel that is examining immigration policy. And, among its most outrageous finding is the claim that THIS cause celeb of the Christian Right is partially responsible for the large number of illegal aliens in the country.

What is it?

A. Gay marriage
B. Abortion
C. Pornography
D. The lack of prayer in our public schools

ANSWER
B: Abortion. The argument made by committee chairman Rep. Ed Emery, who not coincidentally is a strong abortion foe, is that terminating unwanted pregnancies in this country has created a labor pool shortage that in turn entices illegal aliens to come to this country to fill the void. Eliminate abortion, the argument goes, and there won’t be enough jobs around to attract illegals to our shores.

We’ll let Rep. Emery take it from here: “We hear a lot of arguments today that the reason that we can’t get serious about our borders is that we are desperate for all these workers…If you kill 44 million or your potential workers [through abortion], it’s not too surprising we would be desperate for workers.”

Not too surprisingly, not a single Democrat on the panel endorsed this report.

Come back tomorrow when we see how the Missouri GOP will link giving women the vote to catching AIDS.

A Woman’s Concern All Right!

2006-11-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

Well, President George W. Bush might have taken a “thumpin’” in the mid-term elections, but that hasn’t kept him from continuing to pursue bizarre and dangerous policies designed to appeal to the Christian Right.

Case in point, the appointment of Eric Keroack to oversee the federal Office of Population Affairs, which oversees a $283 million budget for federally funded teen pregnancy, family planning and abstinence programs.

Now it’s a given that a Bush appointee would oppose abortion, and Mr. Keroack fits that bill. But the gynecologist and obstetrician has raised the hackles of critics because he also opposes WHAT?

A. Federal funds for sex education courses
B. The HPV vaccine against cervical cancer
C. Interfaith marriage
D. Contraception

ANSWER
D: That’s right, the new head of Bush’s office of family planning opposes contraception. Keroack is currently the medical director of the Christian non-profit A Woman’s Concern, which, among other things, works to “help women escape the temptation and violence of abortion.” But the group also opposes contraception, saying — quite paradoxically — that it increases out-of-wedlock pregnancy and abortion rates. That’s right, using birth control actually INCREASES unplanned pregnancy in Keroack’s eyes.

We’ll let the group’s own policy statement take it from here: “A Woman’s Concern is persuaded that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality and adverse to human health and happiness.”

Huh?

When Good Christians Go Bad: Timothy Byars

2006-11-27T07:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to another installment of a little feature we like to call “When Good Christians Go Bad.”

Today’s Christian in the spotlight is Timothy Byars of Dyersburg, Tenn. Byars is a youth minister and minister of music at the Springhill Baptist Church he has attended for the past 14 years, a married father of seven, and a volunteer cross-country coach at the local high school.

But, according to local police, is Byars also accused of WHAT?

A. Raping a 14-year-old female student/cross-country runner just hours before a track meet — while his own daughters slept nearby
B. Plotting to blow up a Nashville gay bar with 23 pounds of dynamite stolen from nearby Fort Campbell army base
C. Masterminding a crystal meth production and distribution ring that reaches as far north as Pittsburgh and as far west as Las Vegas
D. Being married to three other Tennessee women, the youngest of who is 17, and the eldest of who has six OTHER children by him

ANSWER
A: The youth-minister part of this one should have given it away — Byars is accused of raping a 14-year-old girl that he had driven to a state cross-country meet. Byars is also accused of sexually assaulting the girl’s 19-year-old sister on the same trip — a trip that two of Byars’ own daughters were also on.

…But You Can’t Please All of the Christians All of the Time

2006-11-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, we noted that Wal-Mart had responded to pressure from the Religious Right by dropping it’s “happy holidays” customer greetings in favor of the evangelical-favored “Merry Christmas.” But the goodwill garnered by the company from Christian Conservatives has proved to be short lived.

Now comes word that evangelical political groups like the American Family Association and Operation Save America have called for boycotts of Wal-Mart and prayer protests at its stores during the all-important post-Thanksgiving weekend because the company did WHAT?

A. Said it would greet Jewish-looking customers with “Happy Chanukah”
B. Began to stock the Plan B “morning after pill” contraceptive
C. Became a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce
D. Advertised “The DiVinci Code” as a “Price-Saver Christmas Stocking Stuffers” in its recent catalogue
E. Doesn’t carry the “talking Jesus” doll made famous by the recent Toys for Tots controversy

ANSWER
C: Wal-Mart became a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce this summer, and also donated some $60,000 to Out and Equal, a gay rights in the workplace advocacy group — moves that the Rev. Flip Benham of Operation Save America charges is capitulating to the “radical homosexual agenda.”

“This has been Christian families’ favorite store,” Benham said, “and now they’re giving in, sliding down the slippery slope so many other corporations have gone down…They’re all being extorted by the radical homosexual agenda.”

Responded Wal-Mart spokesman David Tovar, “We take pride that we treat every customer, every supplier, every member of our communities fairly. We do not have a position of same-sex marriage. What we do have is a strong commitment to diversity. We’re against discrimination everywhere.”

We at Holier Than Thou, meanwhile, just want to wish all our readers a Happy Thanksgiving! We’ll be back on Monday November 27.

If God Told You To Jump Off a Bridge, Would You?

2006-11-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

Today we offer up more proof that perhaps not everything in the Bible should be taken literally.

Case in point is the fate of Linda Long, a 48-year-old Kentucky woman who was injured during a Sunday service at her longtime church and died at a local hospital shortly thereafter.

Long was killed while practicing her religion as she had been instructed to by her God — who it seems to us has a somewhat ironic sense of humor. So, just HOW did she die?

A. She choked to death on a communion wafer
B. Hit her head on the pew in front of her while bowing in prayer
C. Drowned in an immersive Baptismal font
D. Was bitten by a snake while serpent handling
E. Had a stroke after 32 straight hours of praying for Ted Haggert to be “healed” of his “sexual deviancy”

ANSWER
D. The unfortunate Ms. Long was bitten by a poisonous snake while serpent handling — a practice that is illegal in Kentucky and carries with it a whopping $100 fine.

“She said she was bitten by a snake at her church,” said a local police spokesman, while neighbors noted that snake handling was a common practice at her East London Holiness Church. The practice traces its roots back to a Bible passage that claims that the sign of a true believer is one who can “take up serpents” without being harmed. Church officials could not be reached for comment.

Merry Christmas!

2006-11-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

The Evangelical’s may have lost the House and the Senate, but last week they made an important gain in the retail sector.

That’s because a nationwide store chain said that, in bowing to pressure from groups like the American Family Association and the Catholic League, it would reverse its past “Happy Holidays” greeting policy and once again welcome its November-thru-December customers with a hearty “Merry Christmas!”

“We’re not afraid to use the term ‘Merry Christmas,’” said a company spokeswoman. “We’ll use it early and we’ll use it often.”

So, WHICH retailer just made the switch?

A. Wal-Mart
B. Target
C. Toys ’R Us
D. Costco

ANSWER
A. Wal-Mart, which will also include the word “Christmas” in its TV ads, promises to play Christmas carols throughout their stores, and changed the name of its “The Holiday Shop” department to “The Christmas Shop.” Somewhere, Jesus must be smiling — probably as He’s digging around in His pocket for a credit card to buy that 8-foot blowing plastic lawn snow globe of Frosty frolicking with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

And a Friendly Reminder for Married Catholics Everywhere…

2006-11-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we looked at the new rules for being a Gay Catholic in America, as released following a two-day meeting by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. But the bishops didn’t just single out gays — they also reiterated some strong rules of conduct for straight parishioners, too.

Among these edicts was a reminder that Catholics should not receive Communion if they have sexual relations outside of marriage. But they also noted that MARRIED Catholics of childbearing age should not receive Communion if they do THIS — despite the fact that a whopping 96 percent of such Catholics do it anyway. What is it?

A. Support abortion rights
B. Use artificial birth control
C. Engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than conceiving
D. Watch pornography

ANSWER
B: Use artificial birth control.

The bishops acknowledge that their prohibition on birth control is unpopular, since fully 96 percent of married Catholics of childbearing age indeed use birth control. (We at Holier Than Thou have to wonder if 96 percent of UNMARRIED Catholics are using birth control!) But as Bishop Arthur Serratelli reminded those who disagreed, “To be a Catholic is a challenge. To be a Catholic requires a certain choice.”

Toys for Tots Update

2006-11-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week we ran a quiz question about the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program declining the donation of Bible-quoting, battery-operated Jesus dolls. We thought that was a good idea for obvious reasons, but now in a surprising reversal, the Toys for Tots program has decided to accept the donation of 4,000 foot-tall dolls.

Toys for Tots had explained that they couldn't accept the religious toys because they didn’t know the faiths of the needy children that they gave toys to and that the organization did not endorse one religion over another. But, inexplicably, these concerns apparently have been quelled.

"The talking Jesus doll issue has been resolved," the organization announced on its Web site Wednesday. "Toys for Tots has found appropriate places for these items. We have notified the donor of our willingness to handle this transaction." The short note on the Web site did not explain what it would do with the dolls. But we think they caved from outside pressure and rather than do what was right and stick to their guns.

New Rules for “Disordered” Catholics Everywhere

2006-11-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

While the rest of us have been caught up in the “Dancing with the Stars” finals, it seems that America’s Roman Catholic bishops have been busy confabbing in Baltimore. Among the results of their two-day shindig? How about some brand new, hot off the presses guidelines on gay and lesbian outreach.

This new “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination” is designed for Catholics to allow gays and lesbians into their parishes — and even accept Communion — despite the Church’s beliefs that gays are sexually “disordered.” However, to do so, gay Catholics must follow a strict set of guidelines.

So today we simply ask you how well you know the rules of Gay Catholicism.

1). Is it a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex?
A. Yes
B. No

2). If you’re gay, can you get married in the church?
A. Yes
B. No

3). Does the church support adoption by gay couples?
A. Yes
B. No

4). Can the children of gay Catholics be baptized?
A. Yes
B. No

5). Should gays be discouraged from telling others outside their close circle of friends and church members about their sexual orientation?
A. Yes
B. No

ANSWERS
1). No, it is NOT a sin to have gay feelings — only to act on those feelings.

2). No, the church does not support gay marriage

3). No, the church does not support gay adoption, but…

4). Yes, the children of gay couples can indeed be baptized into the church

5). And yes, the Church says that gays should remain closeted to all but their closest friends — not to mention avoiding the “lifestyle and values of a ‘gay subculture.’” (We assume that means no Barbra Streisand records, but we’re not really sure.)

But lest ye think that the Church is being hard on its gay members, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops also took on straight people too. And for that, you’ll need to check back in this space tomorrow.

Return Policy

2006-11-15T06:56:00.000-08:00

It’s Christmas time and in keeping with the spirit of the season, many people will make donations to worthy charities. Among those is the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program, which provides toys for needy children.

Normally, Toys for Tots is eager to accept new toys that will brighten a poor child’s Christmas, but recently, the organization turned down a company’s generous offer to donate 4,000 toys because of the religious nature of the playthings. What were the toys?

A. Battery-powered Jesus dolls that recite Bible passages.
B. “Left Behind” board games that teach children if they aren’t Christians, they end up in Hell.
C. “The Fashion of Christ” coloring books complete with non-staining felt pens that encourage children to dress modestly and be chaste.
D. Virgin Mary dolls that weep, sigh and glow in the dark.
E. A stuffed lamb plush toy that when squeezed plays “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”

ANSWER
A: The foot-tall, button-activated, bearded Jesus doll is dressed in hand-sewn cloth outfits and sandals and quotes Bible verses. It is manufactured by one2believe, a division of the Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co.

Marine Toys for Tots explained that as a government entity, Marines “don’t profess one religion over another,” said Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va. And in addition, the group has no idea what the religious affiliation of the children who receive the toys is. “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.”

According to Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co.’s Web site, the Jesus doll recites Scripture such as "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." It has a $20 retail value. Michael La Roe, director of business development for the company, lamented the charity’s decision left him "surprised and disappointed."

"The idea was for them to be three-dimensional teaching tools for kids," La Roe said. "I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible."

Singing No Praises

2006-11-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

Seems everybody has an opinion about religion these days, even famous musicians. So read the quote below and match the celebrity to the diatribe:

“Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays…But there are so many people I know who are gay and love their religion…From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it’s not really compassionate.”

A. Elton John
B. Madonna
C. Gene Simmons
D. K.D. Lang

ANSWER
Elton John, who went on to tell the Observer newspaper’s Music Monthly Magazine: “I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people.” Well, Elton, sadly, we’d have to agree.

Quitting Time

2006-11-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

Maybe we should give the Religious Right a break. They’ve had a tough week what with the thumping the GOP took in the midterm elections. But, this one caught our eye. It surprised us when we read that one of the most vocal religious conservatives of them all, none other than Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, recently decided to throw in the towel. Read on.

1). “Emotionally and spiritually, I wanted to be of help — but the reality is I don’t have the time to devote to such a critical responsibility,” Dobson explained as he recently withdrew from the team overseeing:

A. Investigations into outing gay Republicans in Congress.
B. The promotion of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
C. Strategies for reinvigorating the evangelical base after the recent midterm elections.
D. Counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use.

ANSWER
D: Counseling Rev. Ted Haggard. The counseling process, called restoration, could take years, said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy at Focus on the Family. The other two members of the team, Pastors Jack Hayford of The Church on the Way in Van Nuys, Calif., and Tommy Barnett of First Assembly of God in Phoenix, declined to comment on Dobson’s departure.

Haggard was forced out as senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church he founded on Saturday after a former male escort alleged they had sex repeatedly and that Haggard used methamphetamines.

In a statement read at the church, Haggard confessed to unspecified “sexual immorality,” accepted responsibility for his actions and asked forgiveness.

Mid-Term Results

2006-11-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

The election results are in and well, God made His will known and it seems the Almighty loves Democrats after all. Who knew?

With the Virginia senatorial election FINALLY decided, we can now deliver to you our long-promised Holier Than Thou Mid-Term election recap.

You may remember the following candidates and issues among those we had touched upon in the weeks leading up to the election. So just how well did these candidates and ballot measures do? Let’s find out!

1). Did Katherine Harris, who declared that only Christians should vote and believes that God Himself chooses our political winners and losers, unseat Democrat Bill Nelson in the race for his Florida senate seat?
A. Yes
B. No

2). Did Rick Santorum, the gay-bashing darling of the Christian Right, keep his Pennsylvania senate seat in his battle with Democrat Bob Casey Jr.?
A. Yes
B. No

3). Did George Allen, the Bible-thumping, racial-slur casting senator from Virginia, keep his seat in his battle with Democrat James Webb?
A. Yes
B. No

4). Did Conrad Burns, the anti gay marriage amendment-backing senator from Montana, keep his senate seat in his battle with Democrat Jon Tester?
A. Yes
B. No

5). Did South Dakota voters pass a measure that would have outlawed all abortions in that state?
A. Yes
B. No

6). Did Missouri voters reject a measure that would provide legal protection to doctors and researchers who perform stem cell research?
A. Yes
B. No

7). Did Arizona voters approve a measure that would ban gay marriage under the state’s constitution?
A. Yes
B. No

ANSWERS
1-7: B: No!

In fact, it seems that Christian conservatives took a drubbing at the polls only to be matched by those of the GOP at large. On top of that, the GOP also lost control of the seat formerly held by disgraced congressman — and evangelical firebrand — Tom DeLay. Bottom line? The self-proclaimed Party of God has lost control of both the House and the Senate to the Democrats.

Which makes us wonder if Katherine Harris is right that God is the one choosing our leaders, just whose side is He REALLY on?

Happy Election Day!

2006-11-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

We at Holier Than Thou have spent the better part of the last week looking at the various campaign foibles and follies of various candidates from the Religious Right. And with the election finally upon us, we thought we’d check in on the leader of the evangelical political movement himself — no, not Ted Haggert, we’re talking about President Bush!

Alas, the poor president is so disliked these days, most Republican candidates want nothing to do with him. But the day before the election, Bush managed to find one Holier Than Thou candidate who was willing to stand beside him for one last campaign stop photo op.

So, WHICH candidate is so desperate that being seen with Bush is actually considered a plus?

A. Pennsylvania’s Rick Santorum
B. Ohio’s Mike DeWine
C. Florida’s Katherine Harris
D. Virginia’s George Allen

ANSWER
C: Only Katherine Harris — whose campaign was so inept that the While House tried to get her to drop out of the race — wanted to hitch a ride on Bush’s coattails prior to Election Day, leaving struggling candidates Rick Santorum, Mike DeWine and George Allen steering clear of our Commander in Chief.

Check back here tomorrow to see how all of our favorite Holier Than Thou candidates did!

Mega Mistake

2006-11-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you all ready know about this one, but we had to write this quiz anyway. When will those who say they are messengers of Christ knock off the self-righteous act and actually behave like true Christians?

It’s written that “pride cometh before the fall,” and well, those are words we can’t argue with because once again, a self-proclaimed man of God has done something decidedly un-Christ-like.

1). Case in point, members of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, a mega-church with a membership of some 14,000 faithful, were shocked recently when they found out that their senior pastor and founder of the church, Ted Haggard, was in very hot water. Haggard, who is also the president of the National Association of Evangelicals — a group representing 30 million Christians — has taken a sudden leave of absence because:

A. Allegations came out that for three years he had been having sex with a male prostitute.
B. He had been embezzling money from the church to pay for his escalating gambling habit.
C. He was a heroin user and had been using his suite of offices at the church to sell drugs.
D. He was getting divorced and marrying a former exotic dancer.

2). To make matters worse, Pastor Haggard admitted to which of the following? (Hint, there’s more than one correct choice!)

A. Lusting for a woman other than his wife
B. Buying methamphetamine
C. Receiving a massage from a male prostitute
D. Being politically liberal

3). And things have only been going from really, really bad to far worse for Haggard over the weekend. He just resigned as president of the influential National Association of Evangelicals and he was:

A. Dismissed as leader of the megachurch he founded.
B. Dumped by his wife who is filing for divorce.
C. Served papers that he’s being investigated by the IRS for tax evasion.
D. Beaten up by three of his former congregants in the church parking lot.

ANSWERS:
1. A. The male prostitute, Mike Jones, told the Associated Press that over the course of three years, he and Haggard had sex dozens of times. But Haggard, who has been an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, denied having sex with him.

2. B and C. The evangelist has admitted that he bought methamphetamine (but maintains he never used it) and received a massage from Jones.

3. A. After the New Life Chuch’s independent investigative board determined the influential evangelist had committed “sexually immoral conduct” Haggard was fired. “Our investigation and Pastor Haggard’s public statements have proven without a doubt that he has committed sexually immoral conduct,” read a statement from the Overseer Board of New Life Church.

Church member Christine Rayes said the congregation had hoped the allegations were false, but now they have to face the future. “We all have to move forward now,” she said. “This doesn't make what Ted accomplished here any less. The farther up you are, the more you are a target for Satan.”

Know Your Candidates: I’m a Better Christian Than You

2006-11-03T14:21:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another installment in our continuing series, “Know Your Candidates,” a pre-election public service where we take a closer look at various candidates from the Religious Right.

Today we at Holier Than Thou are wondering why we even bother to have elections. After all, if THIS senatorial candidate is to be believed, it is God Himself who chooses the winners and the losers on Election Day, not the ballet box.

Not only has this candidate urged voters to elect only “tried and true” Christians, and not only has this candidate said that “God is the one who chooses our rulers,” and not only has this candidate said that non-Christians “don’t know better,” but this candidate has gone so far as to call their Democratic opponent a Christian hypocrite.

“[He] claims to be a Christian” this candidate said, but he supports policies “completely contrary to what we say we believe.”

This despite the fact that the Democrat in question is known for regularly attending prayer groups in the Capitol, is the former Chairman of the National Prayer Breakfast, and even carried a Bible with him on a Space Shuttle mission in 1986.

So, just WHO is this senatorial candidate who is questioning their opponent’s Christian credentials and literally claiming to be Holier Than Thou?

A. Pennsylvania Republican Rick Santorum
B. Virginia Republican George Allen
C. Florida Republican Katherine Harris
D. Tennessee Republican Bob Corker
E. Montana Republican Conrad Burns

ANSWER
C: Anything this crazy has to be coming from Katherine Harris of Florida, who finds herself trailing Democratic incumbent Sen. Bill Nelson by a wide margin in the days before the election.

Says Nelson in his defense, “My faith is the essence of my being. But it is a part of my life I don’t feel I should try to take advantage of in the public square.”

Then again, if Harris is correct in her statements that God pulls the only lever that counts on Election Day, we’re sure she has nothing to worry about.

Once again, we’ll keep you posted after Election Day!

Know Your Candidates: Dysfunctional Family Values

2006-11-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to another installment in our continuing series, “Know Your Candidates,” a pre-election public service where we take a closer look at various candidates from the Religious Right.

Today we want to take a look at so-called family values, and how one Holier Than Thou congressional candidates is pushing this issue to the absurdist extreme.

This candidate not only falsely accused his democratic challenger of wanting to import homosexuals to the United States, and not only falsely suggested that his opponent was gay, but he also criticized his challenger for being “childless” — as though this is somehow an amoral thing to be — despite the fact that his opponent’s wife had a hysterectomy more than 20 years ago!

So, just WHO is this congressional candidate who puts the “F” into family values?

A. California Republican Duncan Hunter
B. Ohio Republican John Boehner
C. Pennsylvania Republican Curt Weldon
D. North Carolina Republican Vernon Robinson
E. Colorado Republican Rick O’Donnell

ANSWER
D: North Carolina Republican Vernon Robinson, who, while exaggerating outlandish charges against U.S. Rep. Brad Miller (D), proclaimed during a recent debate, “Those are San Francisco values, not North Carolina values.”

Responded a bemused Miller, “It’s clear that Vernon Robinson is obsessed with sex.”

Who will the voters choose? Come back to this space on November 8 to find out!

Know Your Candidates: A Constitutional Amendment Against Divorce?

2006-11-01T07:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another installment in our continuing series, “Know Your Candidates,” where we look at the antics of various candidates from the Religious Right.

Today we’re examining a Republican congressman facing a tough re-election campaign by another Godless Democrat. So, just how Holier Than Though is our endangered congressman?

He not only famously said in a congressional debate, “like a moth to a flame, the Democrats can’t help themselves when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians,” but he ALSO called marriage “the picture of Christian salvation” and described divorce as being just as dangerous as gay marriage.

So, just who is this divorce-phobic Republican Congressman?

A. California Rep. Richard Polombo
B. Indiana Rep. John Hostettler
C. Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum
D. California Rep. Duncan Hunter
E. Ohio Rep. John Boehner

ANSWER
B: Indiana Rep. John Hostettler, who is such a Warrior for Christ that he once was caught trying to board a jet in Louisville carrying a loaded 9-millimeter pistol.

But divorce? Now that’s a sin!

Hostettler now finds himself far behind Democratic candidate and Vanderburgh County Sheriff Brad Ellsworth in a battle for re-election with less than a week before the election.

Know Your Candidates: Fools for Christ

2006-10-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

With the mid-term elections just a week away, we at Holier Than Thou have taken it upon ourselves to provide a public service that we like to call “Know Your Candidates,” where we look at the antics of various candidates from the Religious Right.

Today we’re examining a Republican congressional candidate who has boldly proclaimed that they had been handpicked by the Man Upstairs for the job.

“God then called me to run for the United States Congress,” the candidate recently told a large campaign gathering at a local church. “You are now looking at a fool for Christ.”

So, just which GOP candidate is this self-proclaimed “Fool for Christ”?

A. California Republican Richard Polombo
B. Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann
C. Florida Republican Katharine Harris
D. North Carolina Republican Vernon Robinson
E. Texas Republican Shelley Sekula-Gibbs

ANSWER
B: Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann claimed that God personally asked her to run for Congress. The remarks came at the Living World Christian Center in Brooklyn Park, Minn., where Pastor Mac Hammons gave Bachmann his seal of approval as well.

“Ya know we can’t publicly endorse as a church and would not for any candidate,” Pastor Mac told his congregation, “but I can tell you personally that I’m going to vote for Michele Bachmann.”

Sadly (for Pastor Mac at least), even that non-endorsement endorsement appears to violate IRS rules against churches campaigning for specific candidates, and the Living World Christian Center now potentially finds itself in legal hot water regarding its tax-exempt status.

It Takes Balls, Redux

2006-10-30T07:15:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals, who won the World Series this weekend four games to one over the Detroit Tigers.

You might notice that the Colorado Rockies were not the world champions after all — not surprisingly to most baseball fans, but perhaps surprising to the Man Upstairs himself.

As you might recall, earlier we at Holier Than Thou noted that the Rockies consider themselves to be a Christian team, with weekly prayer meetings, Biblical inscriptions around the clubhouse and a ban on Playboy magazine.

In fact, team officials had gone so far as to say that their faith has paid off on the playing field, with God having a direct hand in several of the team’s big wins.

Granted, God obviously didn’t have a hand in enough wins for the Rockies to claim the World Series crown. So, just for the record, WHERE did the Colorado Rockies finish up the season in the National League West?

A. First Place
B. Second Place
C. Third Place
D. Last Place

ANSWER
D: Yes, this one was perhaps a bit too easy, but the Rockies did finish in the National League West cellar, behind the Padres, Dodgers, Giants and Diamondbacks.

So, is God a Dodgers fan, a Cardinals fan, does He have better things to do than worry about baseball, or was He perhaps looking to punish those in baseball who would commit the deadly sin of Pride by suggesting God was on their side?

We’ll leave that one for you to decide…

Ministerial Exception

2006-10-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

While priests seem to be able to do to just about anything and keep their jobs, like abusing children with impunity, apparently that nuns have no such employment protection.

Case in point? Former nun and Catholic university chaplain Lynette Petruska, who not too long ago was fired from her post at Gannon University in Erie, Penn.

Petruska sued the university, and took her dismissal to the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals, only to have it rule that “ministerial exception” — the idea that separation of church and state means that courts can’t hear lawsuits involving the internal workings of religious institutions — barred it from taking up Petruska’s claim.

But, just for the record, WHY does Petruska say she was fired from the university?

A. She is gay
B. She is married
C. She was caught sexually abusing an underage student
D. She helped to expose a priest who was accused of having an affair

ANSWER
D: Petruska was involved in exposing priestly misconduct — and for doing so was promptly fired. She is now planning on taking her case to the U.S. Supreme Court.

“We will continue to pursue this case,” she said, “because whether a religious employer is above the law is an important question that should be resolved by the Supreme Court.”

More Must See TV

2006-10-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

For a network mired in fourth place, NBC sure seems to be at the center of the Religious Right’s campaign against what we watch on TV.

Last week we reported that the network earned the ire of Christian groups for airing the word “tits” in “ER.” (Really, that’s all it took to launch a complaint to the FCC).

But a closer look reveals that the tits incident has only scratched the surface of the Religious Rights’ complaints about the network.

So, just to set the record straight, which of these is NOT an actual Christian campaign against NBC?

A. NBC was targeted by Christian groups until it agreed to edit out a controversial scene from Madonna’s current tour — to air next month — in which the Material Girl hangs from a mirrored cross while singing her song “Live to Tell”
B. NBC was targeted by Christian groups after it edited out references to “God” in the children’s animated series “VeggieTales”
C. NBC was targeted by Christian groups after the Oct. 15 airing on “Sunday Night Football” for airing a routine by the Atlanta Falcons cheerleading squad that was seen by some as being sexually suggestive
D. NBC was targeted by Christian Groups for the premiere of the new series “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” during which the fictional TV show runs afoul of sensors for its plan to air a skit called “Crazy Christians.”

ANSWER
C: As of yet, there has been no complaints against the Falcons — or any — cheerleading squad. The complaints against Madonna, “VeggieTales” and “Studio 60,” however, are very, very real.

The Christian Coalition of the Willing Loses Another Member

2006-10-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

Once again, we at Holier Than Thou feel the need to point out that the Evangelical movement has begun to eat its young.

Earlier in this space, we pointed out that the Alabama chapter of the Christian Coalition had left the national group founded by Pat Robertson and headed for years by Ralph Reed, joining state chapters from Iowa and Ohio, which had left the group in protest of its liberal leanings. (We’re not kidding — they really did use the word “liberal” to describe the political leanings of the Christian Coalition.)

Well, it seems the organization has lost yet ANOTHER member, as THIS state’s chapter just announced it too is cutting its ties to the Christian Coalition.

A. Georgia
B. Oregon
C. Kansas
D. North Dakota

ANSWER
A: Georgia, which like the others, complained of the Coalitions liberal drift for taking stances on such issues as the minimum wage, the environment and the Internet.

“It’s a really said moment,” said Georgia Director Sadie Fields. “I deeply regret we have been compelled to take this action, but we felt like we had no choice.”

Countered national Christian Coalition President Roberta Combs, “Family values reach beyond abortion and gay marriage.”

He Fought the Law

2006-10-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

Time for another check-in with the Holier Than Thou police blotter.

Monsignor John Skehan, pastor at St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church in Delray Beach, Fla., was arrested at Palm Beach International Airport and is being held on $400,000 bond on charges of doing WHAT?

A. Embezzling $8.6 million on church funds over four decades
B. Traveling to Thailand on a “sex tour” with underage boys
C. Drunk and disorderly behavior for fighting with two flight attendants on his flight from Ireland
D. Smuggling two rare pigmy monkeys into the country by stuffing them in his pants

ANSWER
A: So much for that vow of poverty! Skehan is accused of stealing $8.6 million in church funds and using the money to buy property and other assets.

Meanwhile, a second priest from the church, Rev. Francis Guinan, has disappeared and is being sought by police for stealing more church funds since taking over from Skehan three years ago.

Who Would God Bomb?

2006-10-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Fear not, all ye who believe that the Iraq war has gone from bad to worse with no end in sight. President George W. Bush may not seem to have a plan for victory, but God does, and most importantly, He is sharing it with none other than Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

At least that’s the chilling conclusion of one of the top architects of the Iraq war, who recently gave Rummy the big thumbs up by saying that suicide bombings, civil war, reprisal killings, sectarian violence, corruption and rising U.S. casualties aside, Rumsfeld’s command is literally inspired by God.

So today we ask you, WHO recently said of Rumsfeld: “He leads in a way that the good Lord tells him is best for our country”?

A. President George W. Bush
B. Vice President Dick Cheney
C. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
D. Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Peter Pace

ANSWER
D: Marine Gen. Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was the one who credits Rumsfeld with being led by God. Kind of makes you wonder whose side God is on, doesn’t it?

Mad Mel

2006-10-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

We at Holier than Thou were bemused by Mel Gibson’s recent interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC’s Good Morning America when the outspoken traditionalist Catholic and macho-man discussed his summer drunk driving arrest in Malibu and his bizarre anti-Semitic ranting. But we’ll let Mel provide clarification about his behavior that fateful night.

1). As everyone knows, when Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving, he blew his stack, blustering that the Jews were responsible for all of the wars in the world and just to really spice things up, Mr. Traditionalist Catholic called a female officer “sugar tits.” So what does one of Hollywood’s biggest hitters attribute his uncontrollable rage to that led to his arrest?

A. He’d had a fight with his wife earlier that night.
B. He was angered by the Pope’s stance on the Iraq war.
C. The devil and his minions had been tormenting him for years and he cracked.
D. The criticism he received for his very successful movie “The Passion of the Christ.”

2). Gibson has been dogged by allegations that he is anti-Semitic for years due to opinions expressed by his father and comments that Gibson made about the Holocaust. When “The Passion” came out, some critics worried that the film could incite violence against Jews, although Gibson insists that didn't happen and that:

A. He used a portion of the film’s profits to increase interdenominational understanding.
B. His film should be shown in public schools to educate all children about Jesus Christ.
C. He is forever thankful to God that the film was a success.
D. He is owed an apology.

ANSWERS
1). D, criticism he’d received. Gibson insists his rights were violated by the criticism he received for his movie "The Passion of the Christ," which, he explains, resulted in resentment that surfaced the night he was arrested for drink driving. And he goes on to add, "Even before anyone saw a frame of the film, for an entire year, I was subjected to a pretty brutal sort of public beating. During the course of that, I think I probably had my rights violated in many different ways as an American. You know, as an artist, as a Christian. Just a human being, you know." Huh? What the hell is he talking about? Life as a powerful superstar living in Malibu must be rougher than we imagined.
2). D, an apology. Apparently having a hugely successful film, making hundreds of millions of dollars in profit and having such creative freedom just aren’t enough for poor old Mel. He adds, "The film came out. It was released, and you could have heard a pin drop, you know. Even the crickets weren't chirping…But the other thing I never heard was one single word of apology." So, Gibson is blaming the Jews for his behavior because they didn’t say they were sorry? Hmmm…

Must See TV!

2006-10-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

It’s Thursday, and for most of us that means a night of great TV. But not for our friends at the Parents Television Council.

In fact, just last Thursday, a scene in one popular prime-time show caused the PTC to file a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission over what it called “illegal obscenities that were intentionally scripted” into the show.

So today we ask you, WHAT was the “obscenity” and WHAT was the show?

A. The word “balls” was uttered on CBS’s “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”
B. The word “tits” was said on NBC’s “ER”
C. The phrase “ass-wipe” was spoken in ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy”
D. The curse “Goddamn” was said on The CW’s “Supernatural”
E. The word “evolution” was spoken in PBS’s “Journey to Planet Earth”

ANSWER
B: The word “tits” was used on “ER” in a discussion between characters Abby and Kovac as they discussed the merits of breastfeeding their new baby.

“How many families in America would deem words like…’t*t’ to be appropriate for their 14-year old children?” PTC Executive Director Tim Winter foamed at the mouth. “Perhaps some of the programming executives…but most families would not.”

(And yes, the PTC press release really did spell it “t*t”.)

“This complete and utter disregard for the law will not be tolerated,” Winter concluded.

Now we at Holier Than Thou could understand the PTC’s fury if the word uttered had been “f*ck,” “c**t” or even “c*cks*ck*r.” And we do AGREE with the PTC when it comes to filing an FCC complain against the My Network show “Desire,” which apparently used the “s-word” in broadcast prime time.

But for the PTC to get their panties in a knot over the word “t*t”? Well, we think that’s just b*llsh*t!

Liberty Sunday

2006-10-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Spearheaded by the Family Research Council, some 1,000 evangelicals descended on Boston’s Tremont Temple Baptist Church for the annual Liberty Sunday event. And with Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney at the helm, the group railed against what it considers to be a growing evil in this country that, among its other dangers, is now a threat to their very right to religious expression.

So, just WHAT was the target of Liberty Sunday?

A. Recent IRS investigations of churches illegally engaged in politicking
B. Criminal investigations of Catholic Bishops, including Los Angeles’ Roger Mahoney, involved in the church’s sexual abuse scandal
C. Some 28 million dollars that have been allocated to church groups through the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives that still have not been distributed
D. Gay marriage

ANSWER
D: Gay marriage. The group chose Massachusetts for the rally since it was the only state to legalize same-sex unions. But by any measure, it’s quite a stretch to claim that gay marriage has eroded their religious freedom.

That didn’t stop Family Research Council President Tony Perkins from saying, “When we look at what has happened with same-sex marriage, as it began in this stand and threatens to spread across the country, we’ve seen in its wake the loss of religious freedoms and the ability to speak out based upon one’s moral conviction.”

Perkins was apparently speaking about a local father who was arrested while making a stink at his son’s school to protest the school’s approach to homosexuality.

Eight states will take up amendments banning gay marriage on the November ballot.

Bless This Rumba

2006-10-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but even after yesterday’s Sara Evans divorce-fest, we still can’t get “Dancing with the Stars” out of our heads.

1). So please indulge us today as we ask, Ms. Evans aside, which of the five remaining “Dancing with the Stars” candidates has their priest come down to the studio to bless them before each taping?

A. Monique Coleman
B. Joey Lawrence
C. Mario Lopez
D. Emmitt Smith
E. Jerry Springer

2). And while we’re on the subject, WHICH of the following un-wholesome things can be said about our blessing-minded dancer?

A. They appeared nude in a steaming shower scene on F/X’s “Nip/Tuck”
B. They were accused of sexual assault in 1993
C. They had their marriage annulled after only six weeks
D. All of the above

ANSWERS
1). C: That would be “Saved by the Bell’s” Mario Lopez

2). D: All of the above. Not only did Lopez recently show his backside on “Nip/Tuck,” but in 1993, he was accused by two women of sexual assault (charges in both cases were not filed due to a lack of evidence), and his 2004 marriage to Ali Landry was annulled after only six weeks.

At least Lopez didn’t follow “Saved by the Bell” colleague Dustin “Screech” Diamond into the world of X-rated videos…

Divorce With the Stars

2006-10-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

We didn’t start the fight by turning ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” into an unlikely battleground in the Culture Wars, but we’re looking to end it now that Sara Evans has quit the competition upon filing for divorce from her husband of 13 years.

Evans, a successful country star with a wholesome image who had sung “The National Anthem” at the 2004 GOP convention, was a popular contestant among evangelical Christians. But it was the Republican campaign machine that turned her involvement with the show into a political movement.

So we’ll start by asking you:

1). WHICH Holier Than Thou GOP operative started an e-mail campaign in support of Sara Evans encouraging TV viewers to vote for her on “Dancing with the Stars”, noting that she “has been a strong supporter of the Republican Party and represents good American values in the media”?

A. Karl Rove
B. Jeb Bush
C. Tom Delay
D. Mark Foley

2). That same GOP operative went on to urge his followers to defeat WHICH OTHER CONTESTANT on the show by stating, “We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans”?

A. MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson
B. Talk show host Jerry Springer
C. Actor Mario Lopez of “Nip/Tuck”
D. Self-proclaimed “bad girl of pop” singer Willa Ford

3). However, GOP politics and Sara Evans were linked long before her turn on “Dancing With the Stars.” In fact, her husband Craig Shelske ran his own unsuccessful Republican campaign for a Congressional seat in Oregon and worked as a GOP fundraiser as well.

But it was his extra-circular activities that ultimately led to his divorce. WHICH of the following were among the allegations made by Evans against her husband in her divorce filing? (Careful, there could be more than one correct answer here.)

A. He drank excessively
B. He was emotionally and physically abusive
C. He committed adultery
D. He watched pornography with his 7-year-old child in the room
E. He has at least 100 nude photos of himself in a state of arousal on his home computer
F. He has other photos of himself having sex with other women on the same computer

4). Of course, before the divorce filing, Evans and Shelske were seen as the model family values family, with three young children living a righteous Red State lifestyle in Tennessee.

In fact, as recent as last year, Evans discussed how “devastating” divorce can be (she is a child of divorce herself), and noting that, “The way to an amazing marriage is” WHAT?

A. “…being patient with one another.”
B. “…reading Bible passages to each other every night.”
C. “…sharing your faith in the Lord on a daily basis.”
D. “…having sex…lots of sex.”

ANSWERS
1). C: It was disgraced Republican Tom Delay who turned his campaigning talents to the call-in reality show on Sara Evans’ behalf.

2). B: Delay singled out “ultra liberal talk show host Jerry Springer” for defeat. (For the record, Springer has lasted on the show longer than Sara Evans did.)

3). That would be all of the above. What’s more, according to intrepid blogger Wonkett, Shelske also liked trolling around Craigslist looking for threesomes and strangers to have anal sex with.

4). D: Sex was apparently Evans’ recipe for a happy marriage — or at least, a happy marriage with a sexual deviant. “Sex keeps the marriage young,” she continued. “And a woman should maintain herself for her husband and stay attractive. I like to put the kids to bed, have a glass of wine on the patio or by the fireplace, and I ask Craig, “’What do you need of me?’”

Tempting Faith

2006-10-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Critics of the Bush administration have long maintained that it pays lip service to the needs and issues of the evangelical movement without ever actually delivering on its promises — part of a duplicitous Karl Rove campaign strategy to get out Christian voters on election day, only to dismiss them the day after.

But few thought such criticisms would come from the former number-two man in Bush’s own Office of Faith-Based Initiatives. Yet that’s exactly what David Kuo is charging in his new book, “Tempting Faith.”

Kuo, himself a conservative Christian, ultimately left the Bush administration in disgust. He now says that the White House publicly praised the evangelicals for campaign purposes, only to play them for suckers after election day.

Case in point? According to Kuo, which of the following was among the derogatory descriptions that Bush administration used to describe evangelical Christians?

A. “The nuts”
B. “Ridiculous”
C. “Out of control”
D. “Goofy”
E. All of the above

ANSWER
E: All of the above. Kuo’s conclusion? “[The White House] was mocking the millions of faithful Christians who had put their trust and hope in the President and his administration.”

Name That Commandment: The Sen. George Allen Edition

2006-10-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

It’s tough to take the Religious Right seriously when they want to impose Biblical law on the rest of us but they just can’t live by those same laws themselves.

Our most recent case in point is Sen. George Allen of Virginia, a conservative Republican Christian who has eyes on the White House in 2008.

But first, Allen needs to win re-election in next month’s increasingly competitive senate race — a task that will be all the more difficult following revelations that Allen recently broke WHICH of the following 10 Commandments?

(Will give you a hint — the word “Macaca” or the fact that his mother is really Jewish DO NOT enter into the equation)

A. The Third: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
B. The Sixth: Thou shalt not commit adultery
C. The Seventh: Thou shalt not steal
D. The Eighth: Thou shalt not bear false witness

ANSWER
C: This time, it was the Eighth Commandment — the one about bearing false witness — that Sen. Allen decided he could live without.

Specifically, for five years in a row Allen failed to disclose more than $1 million in stock options he got for his work as a director of a high-tech company in violation of Congressional rules — in other words, he lied.

Keeping Our Schools Safe in Georgia

2006-10-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

At a time when we have been inundated with stories of shootings in our nation’s schools, we couldn’t help but notice the actions of Laura Mallory of Gwinnett County, Georgia, who has taken it upon herself to keep her local schools safe.

Ms. Mallory, a mother of four and no doubt a God-fearing woman, is pressing her local board of education to ban WHAT “evil” thing which she said leads to such school shootings?

A. The thigh-high skirts the Gwinnett High cheerleaders wear
B. The annual “Halloween Haunt” festival and fundraiser
C. Jewish elementary school teachers taking time off for the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kipper holidays
D. Harry Potter books from the local schools’ libraries

ANSWER
D: Ms. Mallory wants to ban all Harry Potter books from the schools libraries, saying they are an evil attempt to indoctrinate children into the Wiccan religion while creating a culture that leads to more school shootings.

To which, Board of Education attorney Victoria Sweeny pointed out that if all books containing references to witches were removed from the libraries, they would have to include Shakespeare’s “Macbeth” and Disney’s “Cinderella.”

Turning the Page

2006-10-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

How is the Christian Right responding to the whole Mark Foley/Congressional page scandal?

With the sort of screaming from the treetops moral indignation one would expect from those who want to impose Biblical law upon the entire nation? Or by running for political cover lest their condemnation of Foley — who, after all, is a Republican — might prove to be an inconvenient truth at best, or an outright disaster at the ballot box at worst?

Well, at least one of Holier Than Thou’s favorite Warriors for Christ has spoken, and it isn’t pretty.

So, today we ask you, WHO recently blamed Foley’s victims for the whole sordid affair, claiming the scandal is really nothing more than “sort of a joke by the boy and some of the other pages”?

A. Rev. Pat Robertson of “The 700 Club”
B. James Dobson of Focus on the Family
C. Rev. Russell Johnson of the Ohio Restoration Project
D. Rev. Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church and author of “The Purpose Driven Life”
E. Rick Santorum, Republican Senator from Pennsylvania

ANSWER
B: That would be James Dobson of Focus on the Family — you know, the guy who kept foaming at the mouth over Monica Lewinsky’s dress?

Dobson went on to say that, “As it turns out, Mr. Foley has had illicit sex with no one that we know of.” Shortly thereafter, the Los Angeles Times ran a cover story interview with a former Congressional page who said that he indeed had sex with Foley.

Up All Night

2006-10-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

During these troubled times it’s important to know what our elected officials consider to be the dangers that loom large on the horizon and potentially threaten the United States and the world.

So when Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO) spoke recently at the Family Research Council’s “Values Voter Summit” we perked up our ears. We were especially interested when Musgrave declared that WHAT “is the most important issue that we face today”?

A. Nuclear proliferation
B. Terrorism
C. Global Warming
D. Gay marriage

ANSWER

D: Yup, gay marriage, can you believe that? Musgrave told the audience that “when you’re in a cultural war like this, you have to respond with equal and hopefully greater force if you want to win,” and warned that the “future is grim” if gay marriage is not banned. Huh? Have people lost their minds?

When we can’t sleep at night, we’re thinking about real potential cataclysms, like if weapons of mass destruction are going to be unleashed somewhere or if our environment is circling the drain, not how awful it would be if gay couples were granted the same rights and privileges accorded to heterosexual married couples. Somehow visions of gay couples picking our china patterns and being able to provide health insurance for their partners through their work just doesn’t cause us to break out in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

The Coalition of the Unwilling?

2006-10-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Under increased political pressure and a growing dissatisfaction with the lack of social conservative gains to accompany GOP victories at the ballot box, it appears that some in the Evangelical Christian movement are starting to eat their young.

Case in point?

Last month, the Christian Coalition — the once-powerful political movement founded by Pat Robertson and once led by Ralph Reed — was rocked when THIS state’s chapter announced that was leaving the national organization after complaining that the group had become too liberal. (Hint: It now joins Iowa and Ohio among state chapters that have left the national Coalition since the start of the year.)

A. Alabama
B. Kansas
C. North Dakota
D. Texas

ANSWER
A: Alabama, whose loss should be particularly upsetting to the Christian Coalition, which will lose its 1,900 volunteers and links with more than 13,000 churches.

Foley Follies

2006-10-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

We at Holier Than Thou think there is nothing funny about the allegations that Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who headed the House task force for missing and exploited children, had been making inappropriate sexual advances toward underage male congressional pages for years.

1). But we do feel the need to point out that, Foley has said in his defense, that he was sexually abused as a teen by WHOM?

A. A neighbor
B. His high school basketball coach
C. A relative
D. A member of the clergy

2). And while we’re on the topic, Foley’s religious affiliation is WHAT?

A. Catholic
B. Lutheran
C. Southern Baptist
D. Presbyterian

ANSWERS
1). D: Foley said that, while it’s no excuse for his own actions, he was molested by a member of the clergy when he was between the ages of 13 and 15.

2). A: And while Foley won’t discuss just who this clergyman was, Foley did grow up in the Catholic Church, where he was an altar boy.

Fire and Brimstone from South America

2006-10-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

By now we’ve all heard Venezuelan President Hugh Chavez telling an assembly at the United Nations that President George W. Bush was “the devil.”

But we can all rest assured that not all South American politicians share that point of view.

In fact, Rafael Correa, the front-running presidential candidate in Ecuador, said that calling Bush the devil is terribly offensive. To WHOM?

A. The 800 Ecuadorian troops who served in Iraq as members of the “Coalition of the Willing”
B. The five Ecuadorian citizens who were killed in the World Trade Center on 9/11
C. Good Christians everywhere
D. The devil

ANSWER
D: The devil. We’ll let Mr. Correa take it from here:

“Calling Bush [the devil] is offending the devil,” he said. “The devil is evil, but intelligent…. I believe Bush is a tremendously dimwitted president who has done great damage.”

Yet another heart and mind won over the Bush administration.

Republicans Behaving Badly

2006-10-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ripped straight from the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” playbook comes two tales of Holier Than Thou politicians whose election campaigns have hit troubled waters after breaking the First Commandment of Religious Right Politics, which is obviously, “just don’t get caught.”

So, can you match the politician with his misdeed?

1). Rep. Don Sherwood, a four-term congressmen and married father of three from Pennsylvania who has built his career on supporting “family values”
2). Richard Mountjoy, a California Republican running for U.S. Senate who opposes abortion, favors prayer in school, and calls himself the “moral” alternative to Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein

A. Was accused of choking a woman, 35 years his junior, whom he was having an affair with in his Washington DC apartment
B. Lied about his military record by claiming to have served aboard the famed battleship USS Missouri during the Korean War when he actually served aboard a much smaller and less storied cruiser
C. Misused more than $300,000 in political contributions for his own personal gain, including buying a houseboat, jet-ski and race horse
D. Entered rehab after crashing his 2006 Mercedes Benz into the back of a school bus while driving under the influence

ANSWERS
1). A: Family values man Don Sherwood admitted to the affair, but claimed not to have assaulted his mistress while doing so. (That’s a violation of the Seventh Commandment, for those of you keeping score.)
2). B: And Richard Mountjoy claimed to have served upon the Missouri, although the Navy has no such record of his service. (Which, of course, is a violation of the Ninth Commandment.)

Serial Preacher

2006-10-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

This is why we at Holier Than Thou find the Religious Right so hard to take seriously.

He’s a born-again Christian who is at the heart of a growing religious movement. Christians around the world write letters to him, pray for him, send him money and have even named their children after him. He works as a pastor, produces Christian videotapes and journals, gives interviews to Christian radio shows, and has appeared on Pat Robertson’s “700 Club.”

Oh, and did we mention, he’s also a serial killer?

So, just who is this serial killer who has found religion in prison and turned into the darling of the Religious Right?

A. “Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez
B. Charles Mason of “Helter Skelter” fame
C. “BTK” killer Dennis Rader
D. “Hillside Strangler” Angelo Buono
E. “Son of Sam” David Berkowitz

ANSWER
E: None other than the Son of Sam, David Berkowitz, who is also featured in a CD sold by none other than James Dobson’s Focus on the Family.

Since finding religion in prison, David now knows — and his followers agree — that he’s been granted a place in God’s kingdom, despite those six people he brutally murdered in New York in the 1970s.

“I’m heaven-bound and shouting victory!” he tells his Christian audiences.

Need we say more?

Confession

2006-09-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

Previously, we at Holier Than Thou have noted that several Polish priests were suspected of spying on then Pope John Paul II on behalf of communist Poland’s secret police.

But now it seems like the Polish church spying scandal has just gotten a lot bigger.

Keeping in mind that during the communist era, it was common for Poles to spy on one another for that country’s secret services.

But now, documents recently released by the now-democratically elected government of Poland show that
THIS percentage of the Polish clergy were also spying on the countrymen for the Polish secret service?

A. Five percent
B. Ten percent
C. Fifteen percent
D. Twenty percent

ANSWER
C: A full 15 percent of Polish priests were involved in passing information on their parishioners and fellow clergy to the communist government’s secret police — putting a whole new wrinkle on the sacrament of Confession.

Falwell’s Follies

2006-09-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

The Rev. Jerry Falwell made some eye-popping remarks recently during a 40-minute address at the “Values Voter Summit,” sponsored by the country’s leading conservatives and featuring several Republicans who are considering running for president in 2008.

At a private prayer breakfast, Rev. Falwell declared that the possibility of a White House run by Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton would energize his base of religious conservatives even more than if:

A. Michael Moore were the Democratic nominee.
B. Osama bin Laden were the Democratic nominee.
C. Fidel Castro were the Democratic nominee.
D. Lucifer were the Democratic nominee.

ANSWER

D: The Prince of Darkness himself. “I certainly hope that Hillary is the candidate,” Falwell said. “Because nothing will energize my (constituency) like Hillary Clinton.” The man of the cloth went on, “If Lucifer ran, he wouldn’t,” which drew a roomful of laughs and cheers. That’s a nice, Christianly reaction. Jesus was a big fan of derision and cheap shots. An aide to Falwell said the remarks were off-the-cuff and not intended to demonize the Democratic senator from New York. Oh really.

And by the way, attendees also were assured during the prayer breakfast that God would preserve a Republican majority in Congress.

Name Game

2006-09-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

No wonder why they call election time the silly season.

In an effort to make his stance on a bread-and-butter issue of the Christian Right perfectly well known, an Idaho strawberry farmer and gubernatorial candidate — formerly known as Marvin Richardson — has officially changed his name to WHAT?

A. Pro-Life
B. School Prayer
C. No Gay Marriage
D. Jesus Christ

ANSWER
A: Pro-Life. A couple of years earlier, the man had changed his middle name to “Pro-Life” (as in Marvin Pro-Life Richardson), only to be told by the Idaho secretary of state that he wouldn’t allow the middle name to appear on the ballot — something about the legality of bringing an issue on the ballot itself.

That’s when Richardson took the plunge, dropping both his first and last name and replacing them with Pro-Life.

We’ll let Pro-Life take it from there.

“It seems like only a nut would do something like that, but I’m not a nutty kind of person at all,” Pro-Life said.

“My name being Pro-Life on the ballot will save a number of babies by the time I die.”

Of course, there are some other considerations as well.

For starters, his wife of 24 years, Kirsten Faith Richardson, is still trying to determine how the change impacts her. She’s leaning toward Kirsten Faith Pro-Life because she doesn’t want to loose the “Faith” part of her own name.

Likewise, what’s to become of the couple’s 10-year-old son Grant, who had earlier had his own middle name changed to Pro Life? Does that mean he now must go by Grant Pro-Life Pro-Life?

In the meantime, the senior Pro-Life said he plans to run for office every two years for the rest of his life. He’s already gearing up for the 2008 senate race.

The Second Coming (Soon to a Theater Near You)

2006-09-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Has Hollywood finally found religion?

At least one major studio has. The studio is forming a new unit devoted to producing up to 12 Christian-themed movies a year. What will be the name of the new studio-backed film company?

A. Universal Truth Productions
B. Disney Devotional Films
C. Warner Bros. Revival
D. Sony Christian Classics
E: Fox Faith

ANSWER
E: Fox Faith, whose tagline will be (we kid you not), “Films You Can Believe In.”

No word yet on whether we can expect movie adaptations of Fox’s “The Simpsons” or “Nip/Tuck” to be released by Fox Faith anytime soon.

Getting It Off His Chest

2006-09-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

The Culture Wars took an interesting turn last week when the Rev. Bob Harrington of Texas decided that such issues as the War in Iraq, poverty in America and stem cell research took a back seat to the pressing problem of pop singers’ cleavage.

Noting that, “They don’t represent American standards, and certainly not Christian standards,” Rev. Harrington recently singled out female singers for his scorn, ranting in a magazine interview: “[They] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

So, WHICH two singers was he talking about?

A. Madonna and Whitney Houston
B. J. Lo and Shakira
C. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
D. Kelly Clarkson and Katharine McPhee
E. Beyonce and Christina Aguilera

ANSWER
C: The Rev. Harrington has obviously spending a lot of time thinking about the Simpson sisters’ breasts.

Ironically, Jessica and Ashlee’s father and manager, Joe, is himself a former Baptist minister, of whom Rev. Harrington noted, ”He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

Amen!

Men of the Cloth

2006-09-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

It’s getting so you can’t tell the cult-like, child-molesting, Christian churches from one another without a scorecard.

The small towns of Washburn, Mo. and Blanco, Texas, were both recently rocked when they learned that their local, isolated, churches were actually cult-like havens for pedophiles performing their misdeeds under the name of Christ. What’s more, neither of the churches is Roman Catholic!

In Missouri, five leaders of the Grand Valley Baptist Church North and Grand Valley Independent Baptist Church were arrested on a host of child-molesting charges, while in Texas, five monks from the Christ of the Hills Monastery (which had been affiliated with Russian Orthodox Church outside of Russia) were arrested on similar charges.

So, can you match the church to the charges?

1). Leaders of THIS church molested at least five underage girls, the youngest being four years old, going back to the 1970s.
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

2). Leaders of THIS church molested at least three teenaged boys going back to the 1990s.
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

3). Leaders of THIS church gave drugs and alcohol to their underage victims before making them perform oral sex or participate in orgies.
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

4). Leaders of THIS church molested their victims as part of religious ceremonies during which they were told that their bodies were being prepared for “service to God.”
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

5). Leaders of THIS church called the sexual touching of their victims “angel kisses.”
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

6). In addition to the molestation charges, leaders of THIS church fraudulently placed rose-scented water on a painting of the Virgin Mary, only to claim that the icon was weeping real tears as a way to attract money-donating visitors to the site.
A. Grand Valley Baptist
B. Christ of the Hills

ANSWERS
1). A: Grand Valley Baptist, whose pastor, George Otis Johnston, told at least one of his victims that he was “ordained by God to fulfill her needs as a woman.”

2). B: Christ of the Hills, which Blanco County Sheriff William Elsbury called “a pedophile factory.”

3). B: Christ of the Hills, which chose as victims for these orgies young men who were receiving religious training at the monastery

4). A: Grand Valley Baptist

5). A: Grand Valley Baptist

6). B: Christ of the Hills. “It’s a scam,” said sheriff Elsbury of the monastery’s famous crying icon. “They would go in there at different times out of public view and place tears on there with an eyedropper. They got a lot of people snowed.”

Third Time’s a Charm

2006-09-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

Speaking before a group of conservative journalists recently, President George W. Bush noted that he sensed a “Third Awakening” of religious devotion in the United States.

For those in the Conservative Christian movement, such a Third Awakening would indeed be a major historical event — the First Great Awakening refers to a rise in Christianity among the American colonies in the mid 1700s, while the Second Great Awakening is said to have happened between 1800 and 1830.

So, just what did Bush say is pushing this “Third Awakening” forward?

A. A growing embrace of the “Culture of Life” in America
B. Pro-family movements spurred on to fight gay marriage
C. The War on Terror
D. The recent passing of the millennium

ANSWER
1) C: The War on Terror is apparently making Americans — at least Christian Americans — more passionate in their beliefs, according to the president. The reason? “A lot of people in America see this [War on Terror] as a confrontation between good and evil,” he said. “Including me.”

A Bush aide was quick to point out that the President didn’t mean to imply that the War on Terror was a Christian battle against Islam.

“This is not ‘God is on our side’ or anything like that,” the aide clarified.

The Exorcist

2006-09-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, we at Holier Than Thou looked at the life and times of Father Gabriele Amorth, Pope Benedict XVI’s official exorcist (“caster out of demons” in Vatican-speak), who revealed that, among other things, he has performed more than 30,000 exorcisms and that his favorite movie is indeed “The Exorcist.”

But it seems that Father Amorth is not the only one busy trying to cast out Satan — none other than top White House political aide Karl Rove has called upon the spiritual cleansing ritual as well.

1). According to the new Rove biography, The Architect, just HOW MANY Catholic priests did Karl Rove use to exorcise the spirit of Hilary Clinton from the White House?

A. One
B. Two
C. Three
D. Zero

2). What religion is Rove?

A. Catholic
B. Episcopalian
C. Baptist
D. Jewish

ANSWERS
1). C: Three priests were apparently called upon to remove Hilary’s evil spirit from her old West Wing office, something that Rove has since denied, although a Baptist minister turned conservative Catholic named Deal Hudson says he witnessed the event.

2). B: Rove is Episcopalian

With Friends Like These

2006-09-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

How do Americans think the two political parties stack up when it comes to religion?

Well, a recent Pew Research Center study asked Americans whether or not they thought the GOP was “friendly to religion.” And, perhaps surprisingly, most American’s find the Republicans to be less friendly than they did a year ago.

Please match the statement to its corresponding percentage.

1). Percentage drop since last year in the number of Americans who think the GOP is “friendly to religion”
2). Percentage drop since last year in the number of white evangelical conservatives who think that the GOP is “friendly to religion”
3). Percentage drop since last year in the number of white Catholics who think that the GOP is “friendly to religion”
4). Percentage of Americans who think that the Democratic Party is “friendly to religion”

A. 8 percentage points
B. 11 percentage points
C. 14 percentage points
D. 26 percentage points

ANSWERS
1). A: 8 percent fewer Americans overall think the GOP is friendly to religion this year than last
2). C: White evangelicals are particularly pissed off at the GOP, dropping 14 percentage points
3). B: White Catholics dropped 11 percentage points
4). And only 26 percent of Americans — about the same as last year, think that the Democrats are friendly to religion.

Like Father, Like Son?

2006-09-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Karl Rove, nicknamed by President Bush as “boy genius” for his ruthless strategizing and smear campaigning, has been a seminal figure in pushing forth this administration’s conservative policies. But in the new book, “The Architect,” which chronicles Karl Roves’ life and conservative agenda, authors James Moore and Wayne Slater have found some interesting skeletons in Rove’s closet. The authors reveal that Rove’s father, Louis Rove, was WHAT?

A. Gay
B. Interested in black magic before he found Christ in 1979
C. An ex-convict who was jailed for embezzling from a church
D. A bigamist who had a second family in Pensacola, Fla.
E. The son of an abortionist

ANSWER
A: Gay. According to the book, Louis Rove left his family during the 1969 Christmas holidays and moved to Los Angeles where he eventually “came out.” Rove keeps a photograph of his father on his White House desk and has remarked to reporters that his father “lived life exactly the way he wanted to live it.” But apparently, Rove just doesn’t want any other gay person to live life exactly the way he or she wants to.

Texas Two-Step

2006-09-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

It seems disgraced ex-House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has plenty of time on his hands these days while he twiddles his thumb awaiting his trial in Texas for alleged political corruption.

1). So what’s the former exterminator doing to fill up those empty hours? Well, for one, DeLay wrote a serious letter about WHAT hit TV show directly addressing the viewers?

A. ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars”
B. Fox’s “House”
C. CBS’s “Survivor”
D. NBC’s “The Office”
E. Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report”

2). Okay, okay, we’ll give you the answer, it was ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” which kicks off its new season on Tuesday. In DeLay’s stern missive, he exhorts viewers of the audience-participation show to WHAT?

A. Watch anything other than the show because the dancing is lascivious and too sexual for the family hour and promotes homosexuality.
B. Vote for Tucker Carlson, conservative contestant and host of MSNBC’s “The Situation with Tucker Carlson” because he’s a good man with a true heart.
C. Call ABC and demand that the contestants dress more modestly.
D. Vote for the Republican country singer and GOP supporter Sara Evans over contestant Jerry Springer, a liberal, because “we need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television.”

ANSWERS
1). A: ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”
2). D: Vote for Republican country singer Sara Evans. DeLay’s letter says, in part, “Sara Evans has been a strong supporter of the Republican Party and represents good American values in the media. From singing at the 2004 Republican Convention to appearing with candidates in the last several election cycles, we have always been able to count on Sara for her support of the things we all believe in. Let’s show Sara that same support by watching and voting for her each week to help her win this competition. One of her opponents on the show is ultra liberal talk who host Jerry Springer. We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans.”

John McCain School Daze

2006-09-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

First, John McCain kissed and made up with Jerry Falwell by speaking at Falwell’s Liberty University.

Now, which other university that McCain criticized for its intolerance and anti-Catholic beliefs in his 2000 presidential campaign has the prospective GOP presidential candidate said he would consider speaking at this time around?

A. Brigham Young University
B. Bob Jones University
C. Texas Christian University
D. Ole Miss

ANSWER
B: Bob Jones University, which only recently lifted its ban on interracial dating and is seen by many as strongly anti-Catholic — so much so that President Bush once apologized to New York Cardinal John O’Connor after speaking there himself.

Said Bob Jones spokesman Jonathan Pait, “We haven’t changed our position [on Catholicism versus Protestantism] at all…We don’t hate Catholics. We certainly disagree with Catholicism, but I think it’s going a bit far to say it’s anti-Catholic.”

Dirty Words

2006-09-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

While you’ve been busy living your life blissfully unaware, the American Family Association has been busy trying to protect you from one of the most dangerous forces in America — dirty words.

In fact, the AFA has been rallying its Christian troops against the broadcast of several television shows and events in recent years, such as “NYPD Blue.”

Now comes word that the group has sent an action alert to its membership, looking for them to send angry protest letters to the FCC urging a crackdown against WHAT upcoming broadcast?

A. F/X’s season premiere of “Nip/Tuck”
B. Lifetime’s season finale of “Cheerleader Nation”
C. CBS’s documentary “9/11”
D. TBS’s special “The World’s Funniest Commercials”
E. PBS’s kids show “It’s a Big, Big World”

ANSWER
C: CBS’s documentary “9/11,” which will air — as it has twice previously aired — unedited, firemen and other emergency workers swearing as they tried to save lives at the World Trade Center.

“Share this information with your Sunday School class,” the AFA alert says.

No Sympathy for the Devil

2006-09-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

In a recent interview, Father Gabriele Amorth, Pope Benedict XVI’s official exorcist (“caster out of demons” in Vatican-speak) provided some fascinating insights into the inner-workings of the devil and those whose mission it is to stop him.

Among these revelations:

1). Who among these World War II-era figures was actually possessed by the devil? (Hint: There is more than one correct answer here.)

A. Adolf Hitler
B. Benito Mussolini
C. Joseph Stalin
D. Emperor Hirohito
E. Harry S. Truman

2). Which of the above figures did then-Pope Pius XII attempt a “long distance” exorcism on?

A. Adolf Hitler
B. Benito Mussolini
C. Joseph Stalin
D. Emperor Hirohito
E. Harry S. Truman

3). Did the long-distance exorcism work?

A. Yes
B. No
C. Not Sure

4). What is Father Amorth’s, who is also the president of the International Association of Exorcists, favorite movie?

A. The Passion of the Christ
B. Gigi
C. The Godfather
D. The Exorcist
E. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

5). And lastly, which is greater, the number of exorcisms Father Amorth has performed, or the number of women Wilt Chamberlain slept with?

A. Father Amorth’s exorcisms
B. Wilt Chamberlain’s sex partners

ANSWERS
1). A and C: According to master exorcist Father Amorth, Hitler and Stalin were both possessed by the devil. “You can tell by their behavior and their actions, from the horrors they committed and the atrocities that were committed on their orders,” he said. “That’s why we need to defend society from demons.”

2). A: Pope Pius XII tried a long distance exorcism on Hitler.

3). B: Sadly, it did not work. “It is very rare that praying and attempting to carry out an exorcism from distance works,” Father Amorth explained. “One of the key requirements for an exorcism is to be present in front of the possessed person and that person also has to be consenting and willing.”

4). D: Yes, his favorite movie really is “The Exorcist.” (“Harry Potter,” on the other hand, “hides the signature of the king of the…devil.”)

5). A: Father Amorth says he has performed some 30,000 exorcisms in his career, while Wilt the Stilt claims to have slept with only 20,000 women.

Family Values in Action

2006-09-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Randall Terry, Operation Rescue founder and darling of the Religious Right, is currently running for a state Senate seat in Florida.

And, as part of his campaign, he has focused on bread-and-butter “family values issues.”

Yet a recent campaign mailer Terry sent to his supporters, what members of Terry’s own family were missing? (Hint: There is more than one answer here.)

A. Terry’s alcoholic father
B. Terry’s gay son
C. Terry’s daughter, who had a child out of wedlock
D. Terry’s divorced wife

ANSWER
B and C: Terry’s son Jamiel, who came out of the closet in 2004, and his daughter Tila, who had a child out of wedlock.

Said son Jamiel, “He [Randall Terry] is very big on image. In a large way Tila and I mess up that image.”

Said Randall Terry himself, “The reason we don’t have a photo with Jamiel and Tila is that we haven’t been in the same room with them in about three years.”

Family Knows Best

2006-09-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Thank God we’ve got the Family Research Council to keep us safe.

While the rest of us are busy contemplating the dangers posed by Al Qaeda, the war in Iraq, global warming and the current hurricane season, the Family Research Council recently took out full-page newspaper ads urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate WHAT?

A. Homosexuals working for outside contractors of the Pentagon in a possible violation of the “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy
B. Minors traveling across state lines to purchase the Plan B “morning after pill” without telling their parents first
C. Privately-funded stem cell research at Harvard University
D. Pay-per-view porn in the nation’s hotel chains

ANSWER
1) D: Pay-per-view porn in the nation’s hotels, which the group believes violate federal and state obscenity laws.

“These are places that you take your family — these are respectable institutions,” said Family Research Council Tony Perkins. “Anything that brings porn into the mainstream is a concern.”

Countered Hilton spokeswoman Kathy Shepard, “In their zest to have their personal morals prevail, they are eliminating choice for others.”

New Lesson Plan

2006-08-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

Why was longtime Sunday school teacher Mary Lambert fired from her job at the First Baptist Church of Watertown, New York?

A. She sought ordination as a minister in the church
B. She drove a pregnant teenaged girl to an abortion clinic
C. She destroyed three surplus embryos left over from her recent (and successful) in vitro fertilization procedure
D. She’s a woman

ANSWER
D: She’s a woman.

The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who did the firing, said the church recently adopted an interpretation of the Bible that prohibits women from teaching men – despite Mary Lambert’s 54 years of previous service at the church.

LaBouf pointed to a quote in the first epistle to Timothy, which reads in part, “I don’t not permit a woman to teach of to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”

The Taliban would be proud!

Christmas in August

2006-08-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Sure, it may be mid-summer and the temperature is a sweltering 110 in the shade, but the first salvo in the War Against Christmas 2006 has just been fired!

Specifically, our good friends at the American Family Association have themselves in a lather over a catalogue sent out by a major retailer with the sacrilegious statement, “Plan ahead for the holidays.”

The catalogue also features “Holiday Cards,” “Holiday Ribbon” and “Holiday Gift Bags.”

In response, the American Family Association is mobilizing against this retailer because, according to the AFA website: “First advertising of the season does not mention the Reason for the Season.”

WHAT is the retailer?

A. JC Penny
B. Sam’s Club
C. Toys R Us
D. Neiman Marcus

ANSWER
1) B: Sam’s Club.

“It is very important that as many as possible send an email to Sam’s Club,” the AFA website implores. “Perhaps our efforts will encourage other companies not to ban ‘Christmas.’”

Jews for Who?

2006-08-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Which Jewish comic recently filed a $2-million lawsuit against Jews for Jesus for using his name and likeness on a recruiting pamphlet that implied he had converted to the Jesus cause?

A. Jerry Seinfeld
B. Jackie Mason
C. Gilbert Gottfried
D. Jerry Lewis

ANSWER
B: Jackie Mason, who took great umbrage to the fact the group handed out pamphlets with his picture next to the words: “Jackie Mason… A Jew for Jesus!?”

“While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everybody knows, I’m as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami,” Mason said in filing his suit.

A Jews for Jesus spokeswoman, meanwhile, called the pamphlet good-natured, adding (in a quite holier-than-thou matter), “shame on him for getting so upset about this.”

Separation Anxiety

2006-08-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

1). Florida’s U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris and the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate told the Florida Baptist Witness, the weekly journal of the Florida Baptist State Convention, that separation of church and state is WHICH of the following:

A. … “a lie we have been told” and God and the nation's founding fathers did not intend the country be “a nation of secular laws.”
B. … “sadly, a necessary evil in the world we live in.”
C. … “wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers."

2). True or False: Harris went on to say in the interview:

“If you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate WHAT?

A. … human secularism.”
B. … freedom of religion.”
C. … sin.”
D. … separation of church and state.”

ANSWER
1). A and C. Separation of church and state is a lie and wrong because God chooses our rulers. Apparently God was guiding her hand when she was in charge of the Florida recount in the 2000 presidential election. We’ll be watching how God counts the votes in Harris’ own election coming up this November.
2). C: sin. Harris is concerned about gay rights and a woman’s right to choose.

This is the End

2006-08-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

We’ve at Holier Than Thou have already established that according to recent surveys, only a paltry 40 percent of Americans believes in evolution.

1). Now, what percentage of Americans believes that the sequence of events leading to the End Times is already underway?

A. 10 percent
B. 30 percent
C. 40 percent
D. 80 percent

ANSWER
1). C: 40 percent of Americans believe that we are already on the road to the End Times.

There’s Still Something About Mary

2006-08-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

The Virgin Mary has done it again — appearing to the faithful in the form of a food product.

In fact, religious pilgrims have spent the past week flocking to a shop in Fountain Valley, Calif., to see the 2-inch tall figure of what many are calling the Holy Mother — complete with Baby Jesus in her arms — that is made out of WHAT?

A. Chocolate drippings
B. Deep-fried Chicken feet
C. A churro (a ridged Mexican doughnut)
D. A Vienna sausage

ANSWER
A: This time, Mary chose the form of some chocolate cast-offs of high-end chocolatier Bodega Chocolates. Seems the drippings had gathered overnight under a large vat of dark chocolate and hardened in the 2-inch tall form.

Employees and others have been gathering to pray, light candles and place rose pedals in front of the chocolate blob ever since.

The Story of Lott

2006-08-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

We’ve already established that the Lord moves in some mysterious ways, but perhaps not as mysterious as those of Clyde Lott.

1). Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and farmer, has been trying to bring about the second coming by raising a group of blemish-free, red WHAT?

A. Goats
B. Cattle
C. Horses
D. Pigs
E. Cocks

2). How many has he raised so far?

A. 100
B. 50
C. 20
D. 1

ANSWERS
1). B: Cattle. You’re going to have to bear with us on this one.

Apparently there is a reference in the Book of Numbers to the fact that a sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer will lead the way to the return of the Messiah. (Technically, the cow must be sacrificed and burned by a Jewish high priest, then its ashes used to purify the site upon which the Jews will rebuild the Holy Temple, which was destroyed by Romans in AD 70.)

2). D: Sadly, Lott has only raised one blemish-free red heifer so far.

Playthings

2006-08-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Where do Christian couples who are looking for the latest sex toys go? Apparently, not to hell.

Instead, they go to Book 22, an online clearing house offering up “Intimacy Products for Married Couples” inspired by the Song of Solomon (the 22nd book of the Bible), which includes the famous verse: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”

“We believe that God intended that such love, as spoken in Song of Solomon, be a beautiful and normal part of marital life,” the site offers. “Book22 is offering quality products to enhance the intimate life of God’s children. Our hope is that our products will serve as intimacy enhancers for your marriage.”

So, which of the following is NOT an actual “intimacy enhancer” offered for sale to “God’s children” by Book22?

A. Devine Storage Box “so your intimate items will be safely stored under lock and key, safe from children's view, and dust bunnies.”
B. 2Touch Bunny “all-in-one clitoral stimulator and penis ring”
C. Upon This Rock “all-nature herbal male enhancement supplement”
D. Cleopatra’s Secret “edible female response crème.”
E. The BW101 Delay Spray “male control product that is highly recommended for men who struggle with rapid ejaculation”
F. Astrea I Remote Briefs “remote control vibrating brief provide discreet hands-free stimulation”

ANSWER:
C: Thus far, Book22 does not offer any product called the “Upon This Rock all natural herbal male enhancement supplement.” But just give them time…

Priestly Duties

2006-08-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

Mohammed Shoyaib, the Imam of a London Mosque, claims that he was tricked into giving an on-camera interview to a cable news network by a reporter/priest named Father Jonathan Morris.

According to Shoyaib, Morris identified himself as a “priest working in Rome,” and showed him an ID card listing him as a freelance reporter, but never once mentioned that he actually works for WHICH network?

A. CNN
B. MSNBC
C. Fox News
D. TBN

ANSWER
C: Fox News. Apparently Father Morris, who had served as Fox’s “Papal Contributor” in the past, told the Imam that he was “working for peace in the world, that all faiths should work together for peace, that he needs a united message of peace for the American people.”

But he neglected to mention that he worked for Fox News.

For his part, Father Morris denied any wrongdoing, and a Fox News spokesman for not available for comment.

You Say You Want an Evolution

2006-08-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

A recent study reported in the journal “Science” compared people’s view on evolution in 32 European countries, Japan and the United States.

1). Of those 34 countries, where does the United States rank on public acceptance of evolution?

A. 1st
B. 8th
C. 22nd
D. 33rd

2) Are Americans today more likely to believe in evolution today than they were 20 years ago, or less likely?

A. More likely
B. Less likely

ANSWERS
1) D: That’s right, Americans came in next to last in their acceptance of evolution. The only country surveyed where less people believe in evolution was Turkey.

2) B: Americans are less likely to believe in evolution than there were 20 years ago, with only 40 percent of Americans accepting it today, down from 45 percent 20 years ago.

Researchers said that Americans lagging in their acceptance of evolution can be chalked up to three things: ignorance (specifically of genetics and basic biology), the politicization of science, and a literally interpretation of the Bible.

Said study co-author Jon Miller of Michigan State University, “American Protestantism is more fundamentalist than anybody except perhaps the Islamic fundamentalists, which is why Turkey and [the United States] are so close.”

God’s Rap Sheet: Phoenix

2006-08-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

As if we needed any more proof that claiming to be a man of God doesn’t necessarily make you a godly man, here comes the following dispatch from Phoenix.

William Crotts and Thomas Grabinski, the former president and general counsel, respectively, of the Baptist Foundation of Arizona, were just convicted of WHAT?

A. The sexual abuse of three female parishioners in the 1980s
B. Failing to report income of more than $800,000 to the IRS
C. Defrauding elderly investors of more than $500 million dollars
D. Aggravated assault for beating up a gay man outside a downtown Phoenix bar known for attracting transvestites

ANSWER
C: Defrauding investors out of nearly a half-billion dollars.

Prosecutors said that the Baptist Foundation of Arizona promised its largely elderly clients high returns and a safe investment for using their money to build churches and retirement homes.

Instead, the foundation went belly up in what’s been called the largest nonprofit bankruptcy filing in the nation’s history.

Crotts and Grabinski were both convicted of fraud, and could face more than 100 years in prison. Five other defendants earlier pled guilty to fraud and other charges.

Said 77-year-old Virginia Branch, who lost some $400,000 in the scheme, “I just hope they realize they defied (God’s) word by mishandling money that people entrusted to them.”

Attorney’s for Crotts and Grabinski are already planning their appeal.

Name That Denomination!

2006-08-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone thinks we at Holier Than Thou keep picking on the Catholics just because they sexually abuse children at an alarming rate, every once in a while we feel compelled to offer up proof that other religions aren’t free of sexually-abusing clergy either.

Can you match the accused sexual abusers with their denomination and position within their church?

1). Jampa Dhondup, who pled innocent to one charge of forcible rape of a 14-year-old in New Hampshire
2). Howard Nevison, who pled guilty to abusing a three-year-old male relative in Pennsylvania
3). Sylvester Laudermill Jr., who was forced from his Los Angeles pulpit after allegations of sexual abuse with teenaged boys recently came to light (he has denied the charges)
4). James Nyhan, who pled guilty to three counts of assault and battery rather than face trial for sexually abusing two boys under the age of 14 in South Carolina

A. Roman Catholic Priest
B. African Methodist Episcopal Church Pastor
C. Jewish Cantor
D. Buddhist Monk

ANSWERS
1). D: Dhondup is a former Buddhist Monk, who claims that the sex with the 14-year-old girl, who become pregnant, was consensual
2). C: Nevison is a former Jewish Cantor from New York City
3). B: Laudermill was a minister at the AME Church in Los Angeles
4). A: And Nyhan is the only Catholic in the bunch

There’s Got to Be a Morning After?

2006-08-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Which anti-abortion Republican, potential presidential candidate and darling of the Christian Right was recently revealed to hold stock in Barr Laboratories, the pharmaceutical company that sells the “morning after pill” Plan B?

A. Sen. George Allen of Virginia
B. Sen. Bill First of Tennessee
C. Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts
D. Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida

ANSWER
A: George Allen, a potential Republican presidential candidate who is highly touted among evangelicals.

“It seems hypocritical to oppose a woman’s right to choose while investing in a drug that does just that,” stated a recent editorial in the newspaper the News Virginian. “Allen should dump his Barr stock.”

Out of Africa

2006-08-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

1). The Rev. Fred Daley, 59, and a Roman Catholic priest, was scheduled to be on an AIDS mission to Africa last Sunday. He had undergone months of training and was preparing to spend more than a year in Lesotho, where one-third of the population suffers from AIDS. But on July 18, Daley was suddenly withdrawn from his mission to Lesotho by its organizers, Catholic Relief Services, because:

A. He refused to try to convert villagers to Catholicism.
B. He wanted to teach villagers basic sex education and provide condoms.
C. He was a member of a white supremacist group as a teen.
D. He is a gay.

ANSWER:
D: He is gay, but celibate. Michael Wiest, CRS chief executive officer, and Dave Piriano, a CRS vice president, said that it was not Daley's sexuality that had prompted their organization to take him off the mission. They said that what had concerned them was that Daley was a public advocate of gay rights.

“Lesotho [located deep in the southern tip of Africa] is a country of 1 million poor African peasants,” Piriano said. “There are different societal norms there.”

“Had we known earlier, we could have avoided so much controversy,” Wiest said. “It is not that he is a gay celibate priest, but that he is a well-known activist throughout the United States. … We became concerned about his celebrity in the American dialogue distracting from the mission.” Oh really? How likely is it that anyone living deep in the southern tip of Africa would have any knowledge of a well-meaning priest’s activism thousands of miles away in the United States? Not very.

Too Much of a God Thing?

2006-08-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Why did Leonard Scarcella, mayor of Stafford, Texas, recently say that his city is being burdened by an “excessive number of churches,” and is now looking for a moratorium on any new houses of worship moving into his Houston-area town?

A. Because church congregants have taken over city council meetings, demonstrating in favor of new city laws against abortion, sex education and homosexuals living within the city limits
B. Because, as non-profit organizations, the churches don’t generate any tax revenue for the city
C. Because the churches bring in “the wrong element,” i.e., African Americans, from neighboring towns
D. Because “You can’t find a parking space on Sunday.”

ANSWER
B: The churches, 51 packed into seven square miles of city space, don’t pay any taxes, leaving the city starved to support its police, fire department and schools.

“I don’t hate God,” said Mayor Scarcella. “We just have to protect what’s left for commercial development.”

Criminal Cohabitation

2006-08-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

1). A judge in WHICH state recently struck down a 200-year-old law that criminalized unmarried couples from living together? (Hint: There are more than 144,000 unmarried couples living together in this state, according to the 2000 census)

A. Texas
B. North Carolina
C. Kansas
D. Georgia

2). How many other states have laws on the books that prohibit such cohabitation among unmarried adults?

A. 6
B. 3
C. 1
D. 0

ANSWERS

1). B: The North Carolina suit against the cohabitation law was brought by a female former sheriff’s dispatcher who was forced to quit her job because she wouldn’t marry her live-in boyfriend of three years.

The law stated, in part, “If any man and woman, not being married to each other, shall lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed and cohabit together, they shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor.”

The judge ruled the law to be unconstitutional, noting that the government has no business regulating private relationships between consenting adults.

2). A: Six other states have similar laws: Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota.

Move over Charlton Heston

2006-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Holy Moses, this one was just too weird to pass up.

1). What big-time Hollywood director is the executive producer of a new documentary titled “The Exodus Decoded” that claims to have uncovered fresh evidence confirming one of the most dramatic episodes in the Old Testament — the parting of the Red Sea and the Jewish exodus from Egypt?

A. Ron Howard
B. Mel Gibson
C. William Friedkin
D. James Cameron

2). The above director claims WHAT caused the parting of the Red Sea and the 10 plagues that God visited upon Egypt as punishment for enslaving the Jews?

A. A meteorite struck the Red Sea and that triggered a chain of natural catastrophes
B. A volcanic eruption on the Greek archipelago of Santorini that triggered a chain of natural catastrophes
C. God or some sort of supernatural or unknown force because the geological evidence is so shocking and bizarre
D. The parting of the Red Sea and the 10 plagues never happened based upon geological evidence and the lack of archeological evidence

ANSWERS:

1). A: James Cameron
2). B: Cameron believes a volcanic eruption on the Greek archipelago of Santorini triggered a chain of natural catastrophes recorded in the Bible as the 10 plagues that God visited upon Egypt as punishment for enslaving the Jews. The parting of the Red Sea may have been a tsunami that destroyed the pharaoh’s army as it pursued the escaping Jews. The documentary claims the episode occurred not at the Red Sea but at the smaller Sea of Reeds, a marshy area at the northern end of the Gulf of Suez. An underwater earthquake may have released poisonous gases that turned the waters red.

Hot Flashes

2006-08-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while even religious zealots can wake up and smell the coffee.

1). Case in point, THIS Warrior for Christ and devout evangelical decided there might just be something to this global warming when he said the following:

“It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air…We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels…If we are contributing to the destruction of this planet, we need to do something about it.”

A. James Dobson
B. Pat Robertson
C. Jerry Falwell
D. George W. Bush

2). The above person said that he had not been a believer in global warming in the past, but THIS changed his mind and made him a convert:

A. This summer’s record-breaking heat
B. A brilliant vision he had while sitting by his swimming pool
C. A prayer session he had with a group of Christian scientists
D. His wife told him that Jesus had spoken to her in a dream about the destruction of His world

ANSWERS:
1). B: Pat Robertson, who recently made the remarks on his “700 Club” broadcast.
2). A: This summer’s God-awful heat wave.

Monk Business

2006-08-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Birds do it, bees do it, and apparently monks do it too, albeit in a perverted, soul-crushing way.

How many monks at Christ of the Hills Monastery in Blanco County, Texas were charged this week with sexually assaulting a teenaged boy at the monastery in the 1990s?

A. 1
B. 3
C. 5
D. 427

ANSWER
C: Five monks were charged (four have since pled not guilty) after authorities recently raided the monastery, looking for “instruments of child abuse.” The monastery is well known in Texas, drawing thousands of pilgrims each year looking to see an image of the Virgin Mary that is said to cry tears of myrrh.

Among the five charged was Jonathan Hitt, who is already serving a ten-year sentence for indecency with a minor (who was also a novice monk), and Samuel Greene, who also pled guilty to a previous indecency charge with the same novice monk.

I Don’t Think We’re in Kansas Anymore

2006-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

The good people of Kansas, Ground Zero in the battle to kick evolution out of the public schools, went to the polls recently to elect a new state Board of Education.

1). How many anti-evolution, pro-Intelligent Design members of the state Board of Education lost their re-election campaigns?

A. 0
B. 1
C. 2
D. 3

2). Which group now has the majority on the board, the pro-evolutionists or the pro-IDers?

A. Pro-Evolution
B. Pro-I.D.

ANSWERS
1). C: Two anti-evolution board members lost their seat, including Connie Morris, the former teacher who had previously described evolution as “an age-old fairy tale” and “a nice bedtime story.”

2). A: The Pro-Evolution camp now has a 6-4 majority on the school board (where before they were a 4-6 minority).

Sin No More?

2006-08-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Think all Christians are anti-gay? Think again.

In fact, the newly elected head of THIS prominent Christian church created quite a stir recently by saying that homosexuality was not a sin, and that gays were created by God to love people of the same gender.

Which church is it?

A. Southern Baptist
B. Reformed Methodist
C. U.S. Episcopal
D. Presbyterian
E. Roman Catholic
F. Four Square

ANSWER
C: Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori, newly elected head of the U.S. Episcopal Church, made the remarks on CNN.

“I believe that God creates us with different gifts….some people come into this world with affections ordered toward other people of the same gender.”

Don’t worry, lest you fear that the Christians are growing soft, the other churches all still remain staunchly anti-gay.

Say What? The Hollywood Edition

2006-08-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

1). What Warrior for Christ recently said the following of Hollywood?

“Movie stars not married to each other, having babies and making headlines all over the world as though they were doing some great thing. Big deal. Just another moral pervert…

“You know, you almost got to be a homosexual to be recognized in the entertainment industry any more. Ellen [Degeneres] and all the rest. I love them, pray for their souls, but they’re immoral.”

A. Jerry Falwell
B. Ralph Reed
C. Pat Robertson
D. Karl Rove

2). Which movie has grossed more worldwide?

A. “The Passion of the Christ”
B. “The Da Vinci Code”

ANSWERS

1). A: Jerry Falwell railed against Hollywood, presumably upset that the unwed Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt recently celebrated the birth of their first child.
2). B: “The Da Vinci Code” has grossed more than $642 million, compared to “The Passion’s” $623 million.

The Road Warrior

2006-07-31T07:47:00.000-07:00

What big-time Hollywood player and self-proclaimed warrior for Christ was recently pulled over by police in Malibu for drunk driving and, upon being stopped, became combative and let loose with a barrage of anti-Semetic remarks, including "fucking Jews" and "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" and asking the arresting deputy "Are you a Jew?"

A. Mel Gibson
B. Brad Pitt
C. Tom Cruise
D. Clint Eastwood

ANSWER
A: Yeah, it was man behind the “The Passion of the Christ,” Mr. Mel Gibson himself.

He did apologize for his arrest after he sobered up — his blood alcohol level was 50 percent above the legal limit — and said, "After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the LA County Sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health.”

Or maybe he was just testy that “The DaVinci Code” has outgrossed “The Passion of the Christ.”

Money Changers Welcome!

2006-07-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

It seems that Jesus — yes the same Son of God who took a vow of poverty and sought spirituality over materialism — will be coming to a retail outlet near you.

Which of the following was NOT an actual product offered for sale in Denver at last month’s International Christian Retail Show, the nation’s largest collection of Christian-oriented consumer products.

A. “Virtuous Woman,” a perfume that comes packaged with a passage from Proverbs
B. “Follow the Son” flip-flop sandals, with souls imprinted to leave the words “Follow” and “Jesus” on the ground after each step
C. “Gospel Golf Balls,” inscribed with the Bible verse John 3:16
D. The “Revirginator Briefs,” underwear designed for born- again virgins (both men and women) to remind them of their vows of chastity
E. “A Life of Faith” dolls, complete with books whose stories tell how the dolls found sustenance in their faith
F. The “Christian Outdoorsman” camouflage-print Bible cover

ANSWER
D: Thus far, there are no “Revirginator Briefs” on the market, although we at Holier Than Thou intend to begin production on our own prototype shortly!

Jesus Sez

2006-07-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Just in case you thought that Pat Robertson was the only high-profile Christian Conservative who had unconventional conversations with the Lord, comes the following dispatch from Florida.

The Rev. O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach, Florida recently told attendees of a Christian Family Coalition prayer breakfast in Miami:

“The Lord Jesus spoke to me and He said, ‘There’s something I want you to know…’”

So, what was it that Jesus took time out of his busy schedule to tell the Rev. Dozier?

A. That Terri Shivo wanted to thank the good people of Florida for their efforts to keep her alive
B. That He would punish the “wicked” people of South Beach with a Category 4 hurricane later this year
C. That Republican Charlie Crist would be the next governor of Florida
D. That the Supreme Court would outlaw abortion in 2007

ANSWER
C: Apparently keen on Florida gubernatorial politics, Jesus has assured the good reverend that Republican Charlie Crist would win the upcoming Florida election.

We’ll check back in November and see if the Son of God was telling the truth, or just pulling Rev. O’Neal’s leg.

Holy Water

2006-07-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

In the midst of a severe drought, the mayor and city officials of Lubbock, Texas have proposed THIS plan to ease their water woes.

A. Ask churches to stop watering their lawns
B. Have a local minister bless the city’s main reservoir
C. Ask local residents to cut back on bathing to free up water for such Christian purposes as baptisms and holy water
D. Pray and fast for rain

ANSWER
D: The Lubbock city council and county commissioners are expected to approve proposals that would ask local residents to both pray and fast for rain this Sunday.

“Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do,” said Mayor David Miller, “but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since He is the man who controls the rain clouds, we’re asking Him for His mercy and His help.”

Local officials say such prayers have worked in the past, most notably in 2004, when prayers in January led to the region’s second wettest year on record.

OTC Christ

2006-07-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Could God exist in pill form? Seems our government is curious about just that and funded a study conducted by Johns Hopkins researchers looking at the effects of psychedelic mushrooms on average people. Volunteers were administered a dose of psilocybin, the hallucinogenic ingredient in psychedelic mushrooms. You’ll never guess what the researchers discovered. Read on.

1). What percent of the volunteers reported that the effects of their psilocybin session met the criteria for a ‘full mystical experience’ as measured by well-established psychological scales?

A. 60%
B. 25%
C. Less than 3%

2). Most of the 36 adult participants — none of whom had taken psilocybin before — counted their experience while under the influence of the drug as:

A. Terrifying, causing volunteers to suffer flashbacks for up to a year
B. Unsettling and confusing, requiring up to three months of follow-up therapy
C. Among the most meaningful and spiritually significant experiences of their lives
D. Meaningless and a waste of time

ANSWERS
1). A: “More than 60 percent of the volunteers reported effects of their psilocybin session that met the criteria for a ‘full mystical experience’ as measured by well-established psychological scales,” said lead researcher Roland Griffiths, a professor in the departments of neuroscience, psychiatry and behavioral biology at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

2). C: What's more, most of the 36 adult participants — none of whom had taken psilocybin before — counted their experience while under the influence of the drug as “among the most meaningful and spiritually significant experiences of their lives,” Griffiths said. Most said they became better, kinder, happier people in the weeks after the psilocybin session — a fact corroborated by family and friends.

One-third rated the psilocybin experience as “the single most spiritually significant experience of his or her life,” and another 38 percent placed the experience among their “top five” most spiritually significant moments. The researchers also noted no permanent brain damage or negative long-term effects stemming from use of psilocybin.

So, is this “God in a pill”? Griffiths said answering questions of religion or spirituality far exceeded the scope of studies like these. He likened scientific attempts to seek God in the human brain to experiments where scientists watch the neurological activity of people eating ice cream.

“You could define exactly what brain areas lit up and how they interplay, but that shouldn't be used as an argument that chocolate ice cream does or doesn't exist,” Griffiths said.

Dog-Gone Nuts

2006-07-24T08:03:00.001-07:00

Last week, James Dobson’s Colorado Springs-based ministry Focus on the Family unveiled a new website featuring a barking basset hound puppy named Sherman. During a news conference to promote the website, a Focus employee wore a dog suit to delight guests at the group’s visitors center.

1). So, why was this odd new website launched?
A. To bring attention to the dangers of loving pets more than Jesus
B. To bring attention to the horrors of cloning in all its forms
C. To combat domestic partnership laws for gay couples
D. To bring attention to the large number of stray dogs put to sleep each year

2). At the website we see Sherman, a doe-eyed basset hound puppy and then we are asked the piercing and thought-provoking question: “If dogs were born to bark, why are some people trying to convince you that they can:

A. …moo.”
B. …feel empathy.”
C. …sing opera.”
D. …go to heaven.”

ANSWERS:

1. C: To combat a domestic partnership law in Colorado that will be on the ballot this coming November.
2. A: Moo, which is Focus on the Family’s oh-so-subtle of saying that gays choose to be gay, they aren’t born that way. Their “logic” being that God would never create a homosexual. Just go to www.No-Moo-Lies.com to read Focus’ insightful view of domestic partnerships and homosexuality. It’s good for a laugh.

Dog-Gone Nuts

2006-07-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Pregnant Cause

2006-07-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

Here’s an example of millions of your tax dollars being squandered and the Christian Right is behind it.

1). A recently released report by Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA), found that 87 percent of federally funded “pregnancy resource centers,” commonly known as crisis pregnancy centers, provided which TWO of the following:

A. Misleading information about the physical and mental health effects of abortion
B. Grossly exaggerated the medical risks of abortion
C. A free Bible to women who called for information
D. Vouchers for diapers and infant formula

2). Waxman’s report also found that between 2001 and 2005, more than $30 million in federal dollars went to more than 50 crisis pregnancy centers. Virtually all of the funding for these “pregnancy resource centers” is funneled through the:

A. Federal abstinence-only-until-marriage program
B. Up With People Fund, which supports activities for mentally challenged and physically disabled teenagers
C. The Republican National Committee

3). According to investigators, women who wanted the facts about the effects of having an abortion were told that they would experience WHICH of the following:

A. A drastic increase (up to 80%) in developing breast cancer
B. Potentially permanent infertility
C. The risk of suicide going up 7 times in the year following the abortion
D. A downward spiral causing them to lose friends and family members
E. Eating disorders and sexual problems
F. All of the above
G. None of the above

ANSWERS
1). A & B: Yup, they lied about everything.

2). 2. A: Federal abstinence-only-until marriage program, which has been such a bang-up success so far. Just think, $30 million of your tax dollars at work to spread disinformation and propaganda.

“This report shows the clear connection between the anti- choice movement and the abstinence-only-until-marriage industry,” said William Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. “For years, the Bush Administration has claimed that it is simply trying to promote abstinence among teens, when, in fact, it has been using millions of taxpayer dollars to fund groups that hold their right-wing, anti-choice ideology,” Smith said. “Crisis pregnancy centers are using millions of taxpayer dollars to lie and mislead people who are seeking health and medical services, impeding their efforts to make informed and responsible decisions. This report underscores the Bush Administration’s pattern of utter disregard for public health evidence and the lack of any significant oversight of taxpayer dollars. That is the real ‘crisis.’”

3). F: All of the above. Clearly, the goal was to mislead women, not provide them with accurate medical data so they could make an informed decision. For example, there is a medical consensus that induced abortion does NOT cause an increased risk of breast cancer. However, investigators found that centers stated otherwise.

One center said that, “all abortion causes an increased risk of breast cancer in later years.” Another claimed that research shows a “far greater risk” of breast cancer after an abortion, telling the caller that an abortion would “affect the milk developing in her breasts” and that the risk of breast cancer increased by as much as 80 percent following an abortion.

Abortions in the first trimester, using the most common abortion procedure, do not create risks for future fertility. Again, centers provide false information. One center said that damage from abortion could lead to “many miscarriages” or to “permanent damage” so “you wouldn’t be able to carry,” telling the caller that this is “common” and happens “a lot.”

Research shows that significant psychological stress after an abortion is no more common than after birth. However centers told investigators that the psychological effects of abortion are severe, long-lasting, and common. One center said that the suicide rate in the year after an abortion “goes up by seven times.” Another center said that post-abortion stress suffered by women having abortions is “much like” that seen in soldiers returning from Vietnam and “is something that anyone who’s had an abortion is sure to suffer from.” Other centers said that abortion can cause “guilt, ... sexual problems, ... suicidal ideas, ... drug use, eating disorders,” and “a downward spiral where they lose friends and family members.”

Who Do Christians Shoot?

2006-07-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

As Mary Carol Winkler moves closer to trial for shooting her preacher husband in the back, many of the God-fearing folk of Selmer, Tenn. are still scratching their heads over Winkler’s motive.

Sharon Everitt, a neighbor of the now-dead minister and his wife, seemed to sum up the town members dismay and confusion when she said:

“What would cause a godly woman to do such a thing? Christians don’t shoot… WHAT?

A. …innocent men”
B. …their husbands”
C. …preachers”
D. …Christians”

ANSWER:
D. “Christians don’t shoot Christians” proclaimed Ms. Everitt, once again leaving the non-Christians among us to feel a bit uneasy around members of the Christian Right, who apparently have no compunction about shooting the rest of us.

Lady Liberation

2006-07-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Talk about combining church and state!

World Overcomers Outreach Ministries Church in Memphis recently unveiled a new 72-foot-tall “Statue of Liberation,” a $2.5 million replica of the Statue of Liberty.

But instead of holding up a torch of freedom, the Statue of Liberation is holding up what?

A. A Bible
B. The Ten Commandments
C. A cross
D. A shotgun

ANSWER
C: A cross. (Actually, the Ten Commandments replaced the book in Lady Liberty’s hand reading: “Give us your tired, your poor and your hungry yearning to breathe free.”

Apostle Alton Williams said that now people can’t drive past his church without thinking of their relationship with God.